She Wants Nothing More, Than To Be A Little Whore.

Well, let's see. How did my day start off again? Well, I know I woke up and ate something. Then I don't remember when, but Eddy came over to drop off his car. He came in, smackedd me with his skateboard. Then smaked me with his hands. Then violently grabbed my face and kissed my cheek, and hugged me until I couldn't breathe. Then he had some gatorade, called me a whore, and left.
So a while after that, I walked over to Berkeley Finer Foods. I bought one of those mini-cereal packs. I love those things. I also noted that "Berkeley Crossings" is just about done. I don't know when the hell they did that, I hadn't noticed it. And it wasn't like that a few weeks ago. Well whatever. From walking there and back, I got sunburn. How bullshit is that? My nose is bright red because of that shit. I hate being THIS white. Whatever.
Tonight while I was working, I saw Steve Maloney, randomly. He bought like three things of milk. I didn't think he's acknowledge me, but to my surprise he's like "Hey Emily." I was just like "Hi," without looking up. I saw him walking, and I couldn't figure out if it was him or not, because it looked JUST like him, but I had never seen his in a hat or anything, really. It was weird. A minute or two after, Mike's parents came in. They bought like, ten boxes of pop. I'm glad they weren't in my line, haha.
Today was kind of bad, in one sense. I had texted Danielle, asking her if she could give me a ride to work. And somehow, I texted David. I got a voice message from him later on, saying that he didn't know this number, but he wouldn't give me a ride to work. So I called him back being like "wtf?" And he gave me this story that some Mexican girl stole him phone, and he had to buy a new one or somehting like that. He went on and on and on about how much he missed me, and thinks about me every day; yeah fucking right. I don't know, I've been growing to think he's in denial, and trying too hard. I'm also thinking he's a compulsive liar, because he's constantly repeating the same thing to me, and I'm like "okay..." He called me four times alone today to apologize for the voice message, which wasn't a big deal at all. He even left me another voice message saying sorry. I don't remember what it all said, I wasn't really listening. I know he keeps saying that he wants to come and see me, or I should come and see him. The dumb fuck STILL thinks I live in Westchester. If you love someone that much, would it kill you to remember what town they live in? I'm his own daughter, damn. He isn't worth the time of day.

Whatever.

We Need Deliverance.

So, yesterday was good and bad. During the day Eddy came over, because he was my ride to work. But i took a shower, and when I was done he saw the "F" on my foot and flipped out on me. So he was pissed at me for a while. I don't know why he's talking to me now. Whatever. But Danielle, Bridget, and a drunk Gina picked me up after work, and we went to the taste. We ran into roxanne, and oh wow, she was a riot. There was this man with an insane mustache, and get up, and Roxy was chanting "ohmygod, ohmygod" for like two minutes. Then she followed the man to the exit of the taste lmao. Oh Roxanne, I love her. A while later, Danielle and I were walking by the stands. This guy came running after us, asking us to try this stuff called Sick Tea. We did, but didn't like it because neither of us like tea lol. He was promoting it, I guess. So after we said we didn't like it, he stayed for a minute just like, staring at us. Then he's like "So what are you guys doing later?" Then he proceeded to get our numbers lol. Shortly after, he called us asking if we had weed. He was a cutie though ;). So after that, randomly, I chilled at Danielle's with Roxy's sister Michelle, Bridget, Gina, Danielle, and two people I didn't know. We smoke, and this guy, Danielle, and myself had some bicardi. Delisious. We went to this party across the street, and met us with Jesus and his interesting friends. We went with him to bring his friends home, and we were a bit tispy. (me and Danielle). So we dropped off this blonde kid, and went to Jean And Jude's. Then on the way to the other guy's house, we were in the car and Jesus was begging us to make out. he's like "I've never seen Emily kiss someone!" I'm like "no." lol. The dude was like "I'm down" and just waited for me. Then Jesus gave us and told his to grab my tits, which he did a few times. So that was interesting. After we dropped him off, we were almost to Danielle's house, and a phone in the back seat started to ring. The dude left his phone there, and apparently he was chasing us down his street for a block, screaming at us lmao. So we wetn back, gave it to him, and stopped at a gas station on the way home. I went in to pay the guy for gas, and there was a giant leaf bug that fascinated Danielle and I. Then Jesus picked it up and it start flying toward me. I screamed and ran away, as I normally would if any large insect started flying at me.
So we were dropped off at danielle's house, and us with Gina went to Danielle's to chill for a bit before sleeping. I think we passed out at about 330. I don't remember. So now I'm home, and I have work at 530, until 11pm. Lovely. Oh well, money is money. Tomorrow I work 12-4. I'm gonna hate it, but it's time and a half, since it's a holiday.
Ah well. I think I'm going to target tomorrow, when my grandma get's off of work. It's to buy a webcam. (: I'll have fun with that.

Welcome To My World.

When we're good, we're good. But when we're bad, it's horrible.

So today to start off my day, I failed my AAT test; 53%. I failed my chemistry test; 35/50. I failed my history test, getting only one questions. And I've failed my english test with a 54%. Aren't I a mother fucking genius?

Last night was okay. Yesterday during the day I was nearly brought to tears three times. When we went to the show, though, it was amazing. From First To Last threw their pic and I caught it. They were amazing. The first song they played was Dead Baby Kickball; my favorite song by them, ever. Tickle me Pink and Our Last Night were good as well. Scary Kids Scaring Kids was amazing, but not topping my favorite band. And when the time came for Finch to play, we left. The lead vocalist was outside, and begged us to stay. He got us bad into the metro so we could watch him.
I'm bruised severly from moshing, but my damage isn't near as bad as John's. He looked at his glasses afterwards, and not only did the lass come out, but they ripped the wire apart. Poor guy. Eddy got a parking ticket, but since he hurts me more and more day by day, I'm not sure that I care. I'm a lust object to him, I'm his source of nicotene. He won't even tell me things anymore. His new saying is "ignorance is bliss." He's always told me everything, and I've always had his back. So if he won't talk, I won't help.

Seeing him and Colleen together, it just kills me. I can't look at her. She's fat, and hideous. She looks like she has downsyndrome. But, whatever sinks his ship I guess.

I feel alone again.

If You Were Dead Or Still Alive, I Don't Care.

This change. I don't like it. Eddy and I used to be the best of friends. He was the cheese to my macaroni. He was my other half. He completed me. We used to go to the park every day, and have so much fun. We would NEVER get sick kof eachother. I mean, it got to the point where i could literally not picture my life without him. And this makes me sad. We would play video games for hours on end, and it was fun. This all is in a non-relationship sense, no love interest, just pure and strong friendship. And now, things are different. He has changed. I have changed. He's ignorant. I'm a bitch. He's oblivious. I'm pleading. He's gone. I'm still here. I've never had a friendship like that, one where I couldn't possibly get sick with him. And now, it's gone. Every good thing I have ever had, it's always taken from me. And I hate it. This was something I never doubted. We just went along too well. Well, I guess i'm back at level 1. I don't think I'll ever have the kind of friend I'm dreaming of.

And I doubt I ever will.

So Get Back To The Disaster.

I miss it. I miss it all. Before the medicine. Back before the depression. Back when the innocense of not knowing surrounded me. Problems are something the mind learns, and adopts. It's difficult to reverse the mindset. Virtually anything can be fixed, by means of the mind. But change doesn't come easily. I remember the summer days, just me haveing fun with my cousins at their house. Looking back, I never realized how much I would want to go back to that. Six years has gone by too fast. It seems as though last summer I was in sixth grade, entering seventh. The summer days filled with energy, and then evenings hanging out at the park with Steve, Adrien, Jay, Danny, and Kyle. Everyone has changed so drastically. Danny and Adrien are friends witht some Berkeley kids now, and they're in a gang. Well, times change. God knows I have. I mean, honestly. Through freshman year, I was someone horrible different. I was short, overweight, overly-conservative, maintained hideous acne, and I was just one to dwell in the past. On the outside I could care less. I was self-concious then, as I am now. But it was just different. When I see myself in the mirror now, I just can't believe my eyes. I don't know what it is. It's like, when you're young and you know you're nothing special, you just worry about if you're going to grow up to be someone beautiful. I'm not a beautiful girl. I'm nothing special. But I've grown quite well, and look as I should for now. It does kind of hurt to know that I'm nothing really attractive. People at school know I'm ugly. I've just been labled as that. I'm used to it. It saddens me, but I'm used to it.

This is where I don't know which is better: then or now. I know I'll look back at this when I'm older, think of my years. And I'll probably feel ashamed for acting this way. I probably won't remember all the feelings, all the pain that's being pulled out of me so slowly. But maybe, it's a good thing. I think the tension has been draining out of me lately. I've been done with people. Things that would upset me, anger me, I just don't care. Initially, my emotions are triggered. But then I stop, and I think: why should this be my problem? Let the people figure it out on their own. I can't fix it, so why try. Not my problem. That's what I've developed into, and I'll see where it takes me, and if it lasts.

Aren't We A Perfect Mess.

Failure.

Fucke up.

Fallen.

Forgive.

Forget.

I'm Not Jesus, Jesus Wasn't There.

http://www.legacy.com/chicagotribune/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=115974130


John R. Strzezewski
63, died August 14, 2008. He is survived by a son, Jonathan; a daughter, Marie; a stepson, Dan Stephen; five brothers; and three sisters.

"John "The Pollock" Strzezewski, age 63, of Melrose Park and New Port Richey, Florida. U.S. Army Veteran. Beloved father of Marie, Jonathan and Dan; one of 12 children of John and Mildred Strzezewski; loving uncle to many. The Toughest gentle giant, that will be missed by all."

I feel bad for my uncle Joey, who was the one to find him dead in his chair. He was trying to talk to him, thinking he was asleep. Then, he found out he was dead. Poor guy.

I loved my Uncle John so much. He was an amazing guy, very unique. He was like, a polish mobster; part of some polish mafia. He was a big man, and he always walked around in black clothing. Always needed a shave. Always wearing his shades. Always with a cigar. Always in his rings and chains.

One of the stories that I love about him is the time where he and this guy were arguing about a car crash or something of the sort. It was either a crash, or something to do with driving.. I'm leaning more toward that. Anyway, he got pissed and pulled out an AK47. So, when the police came, they excused my uncle because they knew him, and respected him. He had sepcial benefits. So, the cops just told the other people to move along. Oh wow, he was quite a guy.

I didn't go to his wake; I cannot handle more death. Also, I can no longer look at dead people. It's so odd to see a person, a being, with all the life drained out of it. It isn't natural. And the makeup they put on them, they look angelic, perfect . . . They just look like clay to me. It frightens me, to be honest. These molded corpses just make me uneasy.

My aunt and uncle showed up. They were telling us who went to his wake. Apparently half of Melrose went. Everyone knew him; everyone knows most of my family. They were just known.

It All Makes Sense, You're A Perfect Person.

I just don't know what to say, do, or think anymore. Eddy called me at 8:05pm. He tells me to meet him at the train station, and bring cigarettes. Red flag goes up, immediately. Eddy HATES Newports. So when I see him, he takes one, and we walk. It took him a little while to spit it out. But he finally told me he was dating Colleen.

REWIND.

He's the biggest fucking liar it has ever been my displeasure to know. First off, he's been saying that he's no longer wanting anything with her. He's been saying that since he's started skating, he doesn't want her anymore. Lies from the liar. Since we've been back from Florida, all he's been saying is that he doesn't want anything with anyone. He doesn't want anything with anyone for a long, long time. He was saying "no, no, Colleen wants nothing to do with me." My ass. He said he "put his emotions for her in a box, and let it go." I repeat, MY ASS.
So, on top of that comes this: a few days ago when he was here, he askes "be honest, are you dating that Tommy guy?" I told him I wasn't, and he refused to believe me. HYPOFUCKINGCRITE. Then, oh here's the fantastic part. Today I wrote him a note, asking him specifially if he was dating Colleen (this question was triggered by seeing a drawer in art class labeled Colleen and Eddy.) After class, he came to my locker and to my face he says "no, nothing is going on." RIGHT TO MY FUCKING FACE. He's been lying to me for months. I asked him if they'd been doing things, he says no. In fact, that was part of my note. He lied to me twice about the note, alone. Right now, I just want to beat someone's face in with a bat. I don't know why I ever believed him, or trusted him.
Does he think i'm a fucking idiot? I remember things.. when we started going out, he said "let's just let Colleen figure this one out on her own." He repeated the same thing the second tim we dated. So, two things hinted me about their relationship. 1. being the fact that he apparently likes to let people find out on their own. 2. his insecurity, asking me about Tommy, then not believing me.

Fucker.

I'm done with life.
Love me; Shoot me.

Open Up My Eager Eyes, 'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.

I can't stop crying. Today is horrible. Eddy had promised me he was going to come over this morning so we could hang out all day, because I have work from fucking 5-11. But, no, he can't. He said last night he was going to have a "study date" with Colleen; my ass. The stress is already getting to me. School & work. I had ONE day of school, and that gave me three hours of homework. Now, I've wasted all my days this weekend because all my "friends" are liars, and are always busy until night. Thanks, guys. Thanks for making my life FUN. I have nothing to look foreward to anymore, at all. I WANT FUCKING NEW MEDICATION. This is bullshit. All this shit does it make me dizzy. No fucking help.

God damn. Uncle John died a few nights ago. I loved him so much. He was an amazing man. And I almost never got to see him. The funeral is Thursday. I want to go. I miss him. But I can't afford to miss fucking school. Since I have work on Thursday, I won't have any time to make up work. And periods 1 & 2 are the most important. Fucking bullshit.

This is the third uncle this year to leave me. Why does death like to follow me so much? Why can't he just take me instead of taking all the people I love. Is this a fucking game? What the FUCK did I EVER do to earn this fucking bullshit bogus life. Huh?

Thank you world. I fucking hate everything. Every little blow makes me a little colder. I hope you're happy for destroying me, and breaking me down.

Hold Your Head, Hold It Up High.

1. I wish I was thin.
2. I wish I was beautiful.
3. I wish I had a real mother.
4. I wish I had a father in my life.
5. I wish people would quit treating me like shit.
6. I wish I wasn't so empathetic.
7. I wish I was talented.
8. I wish I had confidence.
9. I wish I was someone to be proud of.
10. I wish I was happy.

You know, once someone tells you something over and over again, you start to believe them. The same concept applies in other situatinos. Once you've been with the same mentality for long enough, you can't erase it; it's burned into your mind. I have been awkward, overweight, and unattractive since I can remember. That makes me awkward a lot: I literally feel disgusting while speaking with someone who's very pretty. I become embarassed, standing next to them. I don't understand how I had friends. I was annoying, and such a sore to look at. Now I will agree that's I've gotten a little better. But I still feel the same uncomfortable feeling while being around certain people. I envy them, the ones who look as though they were born perfect. I don't know why looks are so important for me. Even my mother was small, and petite. I don't understand why I can't be like that. She was the life of the party. She was funny, so I've been told. Listening to stories about her, I almost feel jealous that I'm without her, that I never got to know her. She seemed like such an amazing person to know. My cousin would tell me stories about how when she was little, she didn't have any friends. My mother was like a best friend to her. She tells me all these memories of her, and how much my mother loved me. It just makes me so sad, that this was taken away from me. It makes me angry, at the same time. Sometimes I'll stop and think: What did I ever do to deserve this? But, I can't rewrite the past. It bothers me sometimes, but a lot of things so. Especially my father. He makes me so angry, and sad all at the same time. I found him. Talked to him. Saw him one. Hugged him once. I thought things would be good. He told me how much he missed me. He promised me that when spring comes, we would be seeing a whole lot of eachother. He called me on Easter, to speak for a few breif moments. Well, Spring came. Spring went. Summer came. Summer is gone. He hasn't called me since. That is how much a father cares about something he created, someone who is a part of him. Is that heartless? I will never comprehend how someone could not want to see their own child. My family on that side, when I saw them, I was so happy. They told me how they tried to find me, but they never could. And then, behind closed doors, it was pointed out to me: they never tried at all. They never cared. I wasn't their problem, why should I have been? Have they never heard of a phone book? Adress book? Yellow pages? My own fucking father tells me he tried everything he could. But obviously he didn't. I don't know who tells me the truth anymore. I won't ever know what to beileve. I have always felt like such a disappointment. I wasn't worth the time of day to my father, apparently. I remember everything. I remember the nights, I would wake up crying. I would be alone in my appartment. He left for some reason, I'm not sure. I recall one time in specific, where i ran outside looking for him, pounding on the neighbors' doors. I was crying my eyes out, and scared. Now, I have never been successful with anything. I wasn't a child who grew up on sports, and had natural talent for them. I never had confidence. I was always unermeaned. To this day, I still have the lack of confidence I need. I don't listen to people, i shake their words off; though they really sink in, and singe my emotions. I take every single personal remark to heart. And it hurts me sometimes. It's like I have this expectation to live up to or something. A bar that I just can't quite reach. I know I won't have a brilliant future. I don't have any amazing talents to get me places. I don't know what I'm going to end up doing, because in all honesty, I just don't "have it" for anything at all. Whatever. I'm kind of at the point where ending my life looks a little brighter than trying to move foreward through all the shit. Right now, bothering me more than evey is just my confusion. Pure confusion. I don't know how I feel about anything or anyone. I'm so unsure of everything. I worry again. I overthink again. I get nervous about imminant comings, because I don't know what the outcome will be like. I despise embarassment. It get's unbearable sometimes, because the same failures pile up over time.

I'm done with my mierable, pointless rant. This is just pathetic, I need to just drop dead and get over everything. I literally feel as though I'm about to explode, though.

I just don't know.

Shark People Wear Shark Clothes.

So yesterday Eddy came over around one. He grabbed his movie, and used my computer to apply for jewel. He gave me shit for being a "pot head" which is bullshit, and then he played with my cat. After discovering that he forgot his social securite card at his house, he said "well, this was a waste of gas then. oh well, at least i got to see bo!" That fucker came to my house, made me feel like shit, insults me, and leaves. So he starts walking to his car, and I start sobbing my eyes out. This eventually causes him to return because he felt bad for me. So, for the rest of the day he kept the pot head thing going. That both pissed me off and made me feel like shit. Oh, and he kept saying I would end up on Cocaine and Herion, which he KNOWS it was my parents fucked themselves on. So later in the day, we ended up at Luis' house with John. Eddy pissed me off to the point where I tried to leave. Well, that backfired. I got across the street. Luis ran and attempted to pick me up, but I pulled myself to the ground before he could; I despise being picked up. However, getting on the ground was a big mistake. He sat on me in the middle of the street for a good ten minutes, while his brother was hitting my face with a stick. : So, I waqs sat on, carried, dragged, tugged, hit, etc. for a good hour or so. Then finally made my way home. Five minutes after arriving there, Eddy called me and said if I wanted to go to the train tracks after I finished eating, he would like that. I went because I thought his grandpa had died, since his mother had called him a little earlier, telling him he was in the hospital. I was wrong, though. He asked me to go to his house, which I denied at first, but then I went out of sympathy. I'm a good person, maybe too good sometimes. I reurned home at around nine. Once again, about five minutes after I got home, Nico called and asked if I wanted to go to Jewel and Dunkin' Doughnuts with him. So I did, and then finally came home.
So, I can't forget the second time Eddy made me cry yesterday. He kept calling me and easy whore. I guess I always knew in the back on my mind I was easy. I just didn't dwell on it. I'm not going to deny it. But I am going to be ashamed of it.

Today Nico and I went to school to pick up our schedules. My locker number is 158; totally isolated from all my friends. My schedule looks like this:

Advanced Algebra Two Trigonometry : Brezinski.
Advanced Placement American History : Field.
Girls Physical Education / Theology Three : Panek / Lange.
Art One : Pasteur.
Spanish Three Honors : Gutierrez.
Lunch.
Junior Homeroom : Palandri.
English Three : Thomas.
Chemistry : Palandri.

I don't know who the fuck Brezinski is. I wanted Mr. Pollak. He was the honors algebra eacher last year. I didn't know he was leaving. I'm basically fucked now. But, at least I have history with Mr. Field. He's my favorite. Oh well, this year is going to be interesting.

You Though You Were There To Guide Me, You Were Only In My Way.

I don't know what to say at this point. I just don't. People confuse me, and people use me. It makes me angry how certain people think i'm ready to kiss their asses 24/7. But you're wrong, fuckers. I'm not waiting on my knees for an order from you. I'm not a fucking yo-yo, i won't always come back. So quit abusing me. I'll be gone sooner than you think.

I Am Whatever You Say I Am.

So, it kind of seems like things are coming together, maybe not so quickly, but bit by bit. I still have lots of things to complain about, but still I've felt more mellow more often. Although, I've developed some sever uncontrollable anger issues.
Today I went to Jewel at around two for orientation. There were two others there. One was a tall, and kind of large guy named Bruno. He was at the service desk when I arrived, asking where he should go. So, we walked up together. He's a nice guy, and real friendly. The other guy was tall, slim, and good looking. He had some attractive piercings, and a distinct attitude. Ironically, I found him attractive, and his name is Tim Martinez. A blend of the only two guy's I've loved. But moving on, after the long, tedious, and boring hours spent there, it was decided that we were all to come back tomorrow morning for training with a lady named Patty.
So, here's where a bogus part comes in. Collette didn't give us uniforms, because they're getting "new ones on September 1st, and they're going to be maroon." So, I had to go out today and buy two blue collered shirts to wear to work for the next few weeks. Secondly, I had to go out and buy fucking shoes. I have so many shoes. The Jewel uptown doesn't care if their employee's wear chucks or anything. On the other hand, my Jewel was scrict about the "no canvas shoes" policy. So I felt horrible by the time i got home, because my grandma and I are poor enough as it is. Whatever, at least I get paid for being there today.

On a lighter note, I've been wrong. I'm not wrong often, to be honest. This time, however, I was so relieved. Tim started talking to me, and apologized for being so busy lately. Although it felt comforting hearing him tell me he loves me, it isn't the same anymore. My medication hasn't seemed to be doing anything for me. But, lately, I've been able to do this new thing with my mind. I don't dwell on things. I may be miserable for a few days. But, usually, by the week after the bad occurance, I have literally re-programmed my brain to accept the situation. That's why when Eddy told me he still loved me, I couldn't feel the same way I used to. I know I have feelings for him, to an extent. I mean, I get jealous of who he's dating. But it just isn't the same feeling. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I think in the long run, it will help me.
I try to think "hey, he has Colleen, and I have Tim." But, then I slowly remember that he lives in Elk Grove. Distance is a horrible thing, and I still haven't met him. So, I don't know what to think here. I guess for now I'll choose not to care a whole lot. I don't need anyone, I suppose.

Please Sleep My Darling, Sleep.

Love. It's a fickle thing. One moment, you find comfort with someone who cares so much about you. The next, you find out that it was never real. Once you love someone, you never stop. So i your love or a person ends, then it was never true to begin with. I think it's oficially okay to say that Tim is ignorint me, and wants nothing to do with me. I love this boy, and I thought he felt the same about me. How can I listen to people, and believe them so easily? He seemed so sincere, and honest. He seemed to care about me. But now I guess he was just using me, like all the rest. I'm sick of heartbreak. I can't take this anymore. I hate it.

Speakin of heartbreak, yesterday morning, Eddy came over. We sat in the living room, and our conversation went like this:
Eddy: You know how in Miami you told me that once you fell in love with someone, you never stop?
Me: Yeah.
Eddy: Do you still love me?
Me: Well, I don't know. Not really. In Miami, I had also said that love was an official mutual thing.
Eddy: Well, I still love you.
Me: Yeah, as a friend . . . I know.
Eddy: No, I mean I still love you.
Me: No you don't.
Eddy: Yes, I do. The other night when you were so excited about meeting Tim, I was so jealous. I realized that I loved you.
Me: Oh.

Him being jealous doesn't mean he still loves me. He had me, and still finds me attractive. It's natural to be jealous when someone who was once yours is moving on. So, I'm not going to accept this. I don't want yet another let down. I broke down, and I literally reprogrammed myself to accept that he no longer loved me. And since I was talking with Tim again, and he told me how much he loved me, I felt I didn't need Eddy.
Well, now I see that Tim was playing me, and no longer wants anything to do with me. It was abrupt, and he won't even talk about it. I've been crying over him. I really do love him. I can't believe this. Everything that I think is good always backfires on me. Everything in my life has ended up like this; everything. Tim had promised me different. He was so comforting when he would tell me he didn't understand people like that. Oh well, I guess this is just like everything else.

Changing the subject, lately I've felt ostracized. Eddy's through with considering me his best friend. We've been so close through this year. I've told him everything, and he's done so to me. We know eachother so well. Now, he's best friends with Alex. All they do is play catch, or chill at the park, maybe once of twice a month. So yeah, as usual, I see what I really mean to people. Everyone lies. This is going to mess up future friendships, and relationships. I'll have severe trust issues. Thank you, everyone. Well, going back to what I was saying. Eddy's been hanging out with Luis and John and the others a lot lately, almost every day. Which makes me feel like I'm losing more friends. They skate all day, so I can never come and han out with them. Besides, Eddy is always the one who makes the plans, so I'm never even invited. A few weeks ago, Luis invited me to go to this BMX thing which is tonight. Now Eddy found out a few days ago, and is reallt into it. I doubt he wants me there, I guess I'll "cramp his style." But whatever. Recently, Eddy talks to me about Luis and them. He tells me things about them, as If I haven't known them since 7th grade. I don't know. I need stability, once again. I doubt I'll ever find it. But that's just me.

This is no loner life; This is agony.

In The Night, We'll Wish This Never Ends

I wish my mind had an off button,
We could stay up all night without the slightest of cares.
Chasing butterflies and chasing fantasies,
I would fall into your arms and have the sweetest dreams.

I wish I could fly an airplane,
Gliding over rainbows, kissing the rain.
Jumping on the moon is the greatest sensation,
But babe when I’m with you, we can light up the nation.

Twinkling stars match twinkling eyes,
Hand cupped in hand, let’s stop time tonight.
Let’s stop and rewind, go back to a time,
Where we could hide under covers and get lost for a while.

I wish I could be a brave soldier,
With pride in his heart, and a gun on his shoulder.
Or maybe I could be your blanket at night,
Laying with you, and hugging you tight.

I wish my mind had an off button,
We could stay up all night without the slightest of cares.
I’d picture you and think of your beautiful smile,
I swear to you we’ll make this dream last more than a while.