So Get Back To The Disaster.

I miss it. I miss it all. Before the medicine. Back before the depression. Back when the innocense of not knowing surrounded me. Problems are something the mind learns, and adopts. It's difficult to reverse the mindset. Virtually anything can be fixed, by means of the mind. But change doesn't come easily. I remember the summer days, just me haveing fun with my cousins at their house. Looking back, I never realized how much I would want to go back to that. Six years has gone by too fast. It seems as though last summer I was in sixth grade, entering seventh. The summer days filled with energy, and then evenings hanging out at the park with Steve, Adrien, Jay, Danny, and Kyle. Everyone has changed so drastically. Danny and Adrien are friends witht some Berkeley kids now, and they're in a gang. Well, times change. God knows I have. I mean, honestly. Through freshman year, I was someone horrible different. I was short, overweight, overly-conservative, maintained hideous acne, and I was just one to dwell in the past. On the outside I could care less. I was self-concious then, as I am now. But it was just different. When I see myself in the mirror now, I just can't believe my eyes. I don't know what it is. It's like, when you're young and you know you're nothing special, you just worry about if you're going to grow up to be someone beautiful. I'm not a beautiful girl. I'm nothing special. But I've grown quite well, and look as I should for now. It does kind of hurt to know that I'm nothing really attractive. People at school know I'm ugly. I've just been labled as that. I'm used to it. It saddens me, but I'm used to it.

This is where I don't know which is better: then or now. I know I'll look back at this when I'm older, think of my years. And I'll probably feel ashamed for acting this way. I probably won't remember all the feelings, all the pain that's being pulled out of me so slowly. But maybe, it's a good thing. I think the tension has been draining out of me lately. I've been done with people. Things that would upset me, anger me, I just don't care. Initially, my emotions are triggered. But then I stop, and I think: why should this be my problem? Let the people figure it out on their own. I can't fix it, so why try. Not my problem. That's what I've developed into, and I'll see where it takes me, and if it lasts.