Things That Tick Me Off -- Grocery Store Etiquette.

So, today at work I got to thinking about all the pure crap I put up with from people, and I figured, hey, why not make a blog about it? So that's exactly what I'm doing. I have worked at a grocery store, Jewel-Osco, since the summer of 2008, so I would say I know what the hell I'm doing by now. The following list isn't in any sort of order, they're just typed as they come to mind. Mainly they are little things that just add up to piss me off, but still, these are good tips to know so you no longer enrage your local cashier. So, from a checker's perspective, here we go:

1. (Applying to Jewel stores only) The Name Is Jewel.

The store is not Jewels, not Jewels Osco, not The Jewel(s), not any of those. It is simply Jewel, or Jewel Osco. There is only ONE "s" in the name, and that falls in between the "o" and "c." This common mistake, as mundane and tiny as it may seem, is guaranteed to piss off any Jewel employee in a heart beat, I promise. So please, don't be ignorant: if you're going to say it, say it right. Thank you.

2. Don't complain about the dots.

If you shop at Jewel, Dominick's, or any other up-tight, front-end security obsessive store, then you are familiar with the brightly colored, various shaped stickers sporting the store's name or logo placed on your food items that are too large to put in a bag. Now, the reason we do this is either A. The cahsier has a severe case of O.C.D. or a sickening love for his or her job, or (the more likely reason) B. The entire front end staff is heckled to no extent about using them. For example, at my job, we have something called B.O.B.: Bottom Of Basket. It is a reminder to make sure everything is paid for, and nothing is left unnoticed at the bottom of the cart. The dots are like little signs that say: "GOT IT CAP'N, KEEP 'EM COMIN." This leads to my next issue...

3. Don't complain about being accused of stealing.

First of all, we never accuse anyone of stealing. We would probably get a write-up if we mentioned stealing to your face, even if you were, so get over yourself. Jewel has a mandatory thing where we are required to ask: "Is there anything at the bottom of your basket I can help you with today/tonight?" That is not code for "BITCH, I KNOW YOU BE STEALIN' SHIT SO YOU BEST UNLOAD THE FUCK OUT' YO CART." We are required to ask you this. We don't like it any more than you do; In fact, we also think it is stupid. However, most cashiers would rather deal with a bitchy customer, offended by the "accusation," than deal with a write-up from the company.

4. Be polite.

This is very broad, I know. But cashiers are not punching bags or stress balls, and we sure as hell aren't people to take your anger out on. You had a bad day? Cry about it, don't blame the world's problems on us. We know we aren't your best friend; we take your money, essentially; we ask you a lot of questions -- again, a job requirement. However, just because you have a problem with your life doesn't mean your response to "Are you interested in our extreme value buy this week?" should be something like "Leave me the FUCK alone." Don't chew our heads off over petty problems, please.

5. Don't blame the CASHIER on what is rightfully the COMPUTER'S fault.

No one is perfect, we all know this. However, this applies to our computers too. Now obviously technology is flawed and there is nothing we can do about that. But please, if the computer is running slow or having a problem scanning something, don't yell at the person behind it until his or her ears bleed. We have NO control over the computers' selective bipolar disorder; sorry.

6. When we ask if you would like your [bag of] potatoes in a bag, say no.

People are very picky when it comes to having their food bagged, and I can empathize here; I don't want me food smashed as much as the next guy. But, come on. Your potatoes are already in a bag, first of all. Second of all, there's not much you can put in a bag with potatoes; Hence putting your already-in-a-bag-potatoes in a bag wastes bags and time. Really, I know half the people that have them bagged wouldn't care. I ask "Would you like your potatoes in a bag?" and then the customer takes about two and a half minutes deciding. If it takes you that long to think about something so insignificant, it isn't worth it. You're just going to take them out of the bag when you get home anyways. If you come in with a strict potato-bagging mindset, then whatever, disregard this segment of the blog and move on.

7. Bring your cart foreword, please.

If you have a $700 dollar order and we see your cart is leaking food, then yes, we are likely to send for another cart while you unload yours: it's just plain convenient for everything. The bagger is happy, and the customer is happy because they get out of the store faster. However, if your order is big enough to cause some major belt-blockage, and you've managed to unload it all, please, bring your cart up to where the bagger can reach it. It pisses everyone off when the bags pile up while you just stand there, looking at the magazine rack, clinging to your empty cart as if it's worth a million. Would it kill your to bring it up when you finish unloading? I promise, we won't mind if you go back and finish looking at your hollywood horrors on the front cover of People Magazine. Just keep that in mind, please; unload, give your cart to the bagger, then resume your prior goings-on.

* Note: also, when bringing your cart up, pushing it just next to the bagger is perfect. Please don't bring it up and push it behind the poor bagger. It is an awkward angle to work from then, and it generally sandwiches them in. Thanks.

8. Unload your basket.

Now, a [hand] basket is a different thing than a cart. Carts hold a lot of things, and are made for large orders. Baskets, on the other hand, are small and used for quick shopping, usually. Nothing irritates me more than people who just set their baskets on the belt and walk over to the payment station area. This kills me. I mean, come on, how lazy are you? You can't take your food out of a fucking basket? I've been working all day already. You, on the other hand, have been shopping for the past two hours trying to decide what color snuggie to buy for your spoiled dog. I can see when not unloading it isn't really a big deal, like when you first get in line and there's no one in front of you; then you usually don't have a lot of time, and the cashier normally will do it for you automatically. But other times, it just makes you look straight-up rude and lazy. If there is a huge line in front of you, then yes, you have plenty of time to take your seven items out of the basket and place them on the belt. I remember a few weeks ago a woman came in with her son. They placed the basket on my belt, and when the son started to unload it, she literally smacked his hand and said "No! the cashier will do it." I'll just say right now, I bit my tongue so hard.

9. Express Lanes.

Let me tell you a little something about those lanes marked "15 Items or Fewer." They can be anywhere; not just register one. Honestly, you people need to learn how to READ or something. Don't unload your 89 items and then look at the sign and ask me if this is okay. No. That is not okay. You failed. The end. Moral of tip #9? Get an education.

10. Preferred Cards.

This is another issue that applies not to everyone. Most companies now have some sort of discount cards, and at Jewel, we call ours a Preferred Card. People tend to get so angry when we ask if they have their card with them, and I don't understand why. All it does is provide savings for you. We really only have it to keep track of our customers and what they buy, but keep that shh-shh. Anyways, people like to insult me upon the "do you have your card?" question. Then they complain about a myriad of other things. We generally won't start the order without the card because if you take it at the end, then all the savings are out of whack and deciphering prices is confusing. If you scan it first, then the savings come off right below the actual item, so you can do the math and see the price. Also, people get irate when they discover we don't accept phone numbers anymore -- we no longer have your number in our system, so we can't look up your preferred card. Sorry. Not our fault. People starting complaining because they were getting mail since someone else had given the store his or her number. Is mail all that bad? I guess so, because that aggrivated [and probaby former] customer ruined it for everyone. So again, I apalogize for the inconvenience.

11. "Are you open?"

Is my light on? If so, I'm open. If my light is off, I'm off: there really isn't that much to it. grow a brain. Now if a light is off and there is someone at the register, then ask "will you take my order?" If the cashier has time, he or she will likely say yes. But, by asking if a closed lane is open, all you are doing is making yourself look like an idiot.

Well, This is it for now. I'm sure I will have more to add to it some time, but I can't focus currently, so here is a list of things to get started on. Part 2 is coming soon, hopefully.