Hold Your Head, Hold It Up High.
1. I wish I was thin.
2. I wish I was beautiful.
3. I wish I had a real mother.
4. I wish I had a father in my life.
5. I wish people would quit treating me like shit.
6. I wish I wasn't so empathetic.
7. I wish I was talented.
8. I wish I had confidence.
9. I wish I was someone to be proud of.
10. I wish I was happy.
You know, once someone tells you something over and over again, you start to believe them. The same concept applies in other situatinos. Once you've been with the same mentality for long enough, you can't erase it; it's burned into your mind. I have been awkward, overweight, and unattractive since I can remember. That makes me awkward a lot: I literally feel disgusting while speaking with someone who's very pretty. I become embarassed, standing next to them. I don't understand how I had friends. I was annoying, and such a sore to look at. Now I will agree that's I've gotten a little better. But I still feel the same uncomfortable feeling while being around certain people. I envy them, the ones who look as though they were born perfect. I don't know why looks are so important for me. Even my mother was small, and petite. I don't understand why I can't be like that. She was the life of the party. She was funny, so I've been told. Listening to stories about her, I almost feel jealous that I'm without her, that I never got to know her. She seemed like such an amazing person to know. My cousin would tell me stories about how when she was little, she didn't have any friends. My mother was like a best friend to her. She tells me all these memories of her, and how much my mother loved me. It just makes me so sad, that this was taken away from me. It makes me angry, at the same time. Sometimes I'll stop and think: What did I ever do to deserve this? But, I can't rewrite the past. It bothers me sometimes, but a lot of things so. Especially my father. He makes me so angry, and sad all at the same time. I found him. Talked to him. Saw him one. Hugged him once. I thought things would be good. He told me how much he missed me. He promised me that when spring comes, we would be seeing a whole lot of eachother. He called me on Easter, to speak for a few breif moments. Well, Spring came. Spring went. Summer came. Summer is gone. He hasn't called me since. That is how much a father cares about something he created, someone who is a part of him. Is that heartless? I will never comprehend how someone could not want to see their own child. My family on that side, when I saw them, I was so happy. They told me how they tried to find me, but they never could. And then, behind closed doors, it was pointed out to me: they never tried at all. They never cared. I wasn't their problem, why should I have been? Have they never heard of a phone book? Adress book? Yellow pages? My own fucking father tells me he tried everything he could. But obviously he didn't. I don't know who tells me the truth anymore. I won't ever know what to beileve. I have always felt like such a disappointment. I wasn't worth the time of day to my father, apparently. I remember everything. I remember the nights, I would wake up crying. I would be alone in my appartment. He left for some reason, I'm not sure. I recall one time in specific, where i ran outside looking for him, pounding on the neighbors' doors. I was crying my eyes out, and scared. Now, I have never been successful with anything. I wasn't a child who grew up on sports, and had natural talent for them. I never had confidence. I was always unermeaned. To this day, I still have the lack of confidence I need. I don't listen to people, i shake their words off; though they really sink in, and singe my emotions. I take every single personal remark to heart. And it hurts me sometimes. It's like I have this expectation to live up to or something. A bar that I just can't quite reach. I know I won't have a brilliant future. I don't have any amazing talents to get me places. I don't know what I'm going to end up doing, because in all honesty, I just don't "have it" for anything at all. Whatever. I'm kind of at the point where ending my life looks a little brighter than trying to move foreward through all the shit. Right now, bothering me more than evey is just my confusion. Pure confusion. I don't know how I feel about anything or anyone. I'm so unsure of everything. I worry again. I overthink again. I get nervous about imminant comings, because I don't know what the outcome will be like. I despise embarassment. It get's unbearable sometimes, because the same failures pile up over time.
I'm done with my mierable, pointless rant. This is just pathetic, I need to just drop dead and get over everything. I literally feel as though I'm about to explode, though.
I just don't know.
2. I wish I was beautiful.
3. I wish I had a real mother.
4. I wish I had a father in my life.
5. I wish people would quit treating me like shit.
6. I wish I wasn't so empathetic.
7. I wish I was talented.
8. I wish I had confidence.
9. I wish I was someone to be proud of.
10. I wish I was happy.
You know, once someone tells you something over and over again, you start to believe them. The same concept applies in other situatinos. Once you've been with the same mentality for long enough, you can't erase it; it's burned into your mind. I have been awkward, overweight, and unattractive since I can remember. That makes me awkward a lot: I literally feel disgusting while speaking with someone who's very pretty. I become embarassed, standing next to them. I don't understand how I had friends. I was annoying, and such a sore to look at. Now I will agree that's I've gotten a little better. But I still feel the same uncomfortable feeling while being around certain people. I envy them, the ones who look as though they were born perfect. I don't know why looks are so important for me. Even my mother was small, and petite. I don't understand why I can't be like that. She was the life of the party. She was funny, so I've been told. Listening to stories about her, I almost feel jealous that I'm without her, that I never got to know her. She seemed like such an amazing person to know. My cousin would tell me stories about how when she was little, she didn't have any friends. My mother was like a best friend to her. She tells me all these memories of her, and how much my mother loved me. It just makes me so sad, that this was taken away from me. It makes me angry, at the same time. Sometimes I'll stop and think: What did I ever do to deserve this? But, I can't rewrite the past. It bothers me sometimes, but a lot of things so. Especially my father. He makes me so angry, and sad all at the same time. I found him. Talked to him. Saw him one. Hugged him once. I thought things would be good. He told me how much he missed me. He promised me that when spring comes, we would be seeing a whole lot of eachother. He called me on Easter, to speak for a few breif moments. Well, Spring came. Spring went. Summer came. Summer is gone. He hasn't called me since. That is how much a father cares about something he created, someone who is a part of him. Is that heartless? I will never comprehend how someone could not want to see their own child. My family on that side, when I saw them, I was so happy. They told me how they tried to find me, but they never could. And then, behind closed doors, it was pointed out to me: they never tried at all. They never cared. I wasn't their problem, why should I have been? Have they never heard of a phone book? Adress book? Yellow pages? My own fucking father tells me he tried everything he could. But obviously he didn't. I don't know who tells me the truth anymore. I won't ever know what to beileve. I have always felt like such a disappointment. I wasn't worth the time of day to my father, apparently. I remember everything. I remember the nights, I would wake up crying. I would be alone in my appartment. He left for some reason, I'm not sure. I recall one time in specific, where i ran outside looking for him, pounding on the neighbors' doors. I was crying my eyes out, and scared. Now, I have never been successful with anything. I wasn't a child who grew up on sports, and had natural talent for them. I never had confidence. I was always unermeaned. To this day, I still have the lack of confidence I need. I don't listen to people, i shake their words off; though they really sink in, and singe my emotions. I take every single personal remark to heart. And it hurts me sometimes. It's like I have this expectation to live up to or something. A bar that I just can't quite reach. I know I won't have a brilliant future. I don't have any amazing talents to get me places. I don't know what I'm going to end up doing, because in all honesty, I just don't "have it" for anything at all. Whatever. I'm kind of at the point where ending my life looks a little brighter than trying to move foreward through all the shit. Right now, bothering me more than evey is just my confusion. Pure confusion. I don't know how I feel about anything or anyone. I'm so unsure of everything. I worry again. I overthink again. I get nervous about imminant comings, because I don't know what the outcome will be like. I despise embarassment. It get's unbearable sometimes, because the same failures pile up over time.
I'm done with my mierable, pointless rant. This is just pathetic, I need to just drop dead and get over everything. I literally feel as though I'm about to explode, though.
I just don't know.
posted by Emabearr at
12:37 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home