Please Sleep My Darling, Sleep.

Love. It's a fickle thing. One moment, you find comfort with someone who cares so much about you. The next, you find out that it was never real. Once you love someone, you never stop. So i your love or a person ends, then it was never true to begin with. I think it's oficially okay to say that Tim is ignorint me, and wants nothing to do with me. I love this boy, and I thought he felt the same about me. How can I listen to people, and believe them so easily? He seemed so sincere, and honest. He seemed to care about me. But now I guess he was just using me, like all the rest. I'm sick of heartbreak. I can't take this anymore. I hate it.

Speakin of heartbreak, yesterday morning, Eddy came over. We sat in the living room, and our conversation went like this:
Eddy: You know how in Miami you told me that once you fell in love with someone, you never stop?
Me: Yeah.
Eddy: Do you still love me?
Me: Well, I don't know. Not really. In Miami, I had also said that love was an official mutual thing.
Eddy: Well, I still love you.
Me: Yeah, as a friend . . . I know.
Eddy: No, I mean I still love you.
Me: No you don't.
Eddy: Yes, I do. The other night when you were so excited about meeting Tim, I was so jealous. I realized that I loved you.
Me: Oh.

Him being jealous doesn't mean he still loves me. He had me, and still finds me attractive. It's natural to be jealous when someone who was once yours is moving on. So, I'm not going to accept this. I don't want yet another let down. I broke down, and I literally reprogrammed myself to accept that he no longer loved me. And since I was talking with Tim again, and he told me how much he loved me, I felt I didn't need Eddy.
Well, now I see that Tim was playing me, and no longer wants anything to do with me. It was abrupt, and he won't even talk about it. I've been crying over him. I really do love him. I can't believe this. Everything that I think is good always backfires on me. Everything in my life has ended up like this; everything. Tim had promised me different. He was so comforting when he would tell me he didn't understand people like that. Oh well, I guess this is just like everything else.

Changing the subject, lately I've felt ostracized. Eddy's through with considering me his best friend. We've been so close through this year. I've told him everything, and he's done so to me. We know eachother so well. Now, he's best friends with Alex. All they do is play catch, or chill at the park, maybe once of twice a month. So yeah, as usual, I see what I really mean to people. Everyone lies. This is going to mess up future friendships, and relationships. I'll have severe trust issues. Thank you, everyone. Well, going back to what I was saying. Eddy's been hanging out with Luis and John and the others a lot lately, almost every day. Which makes me feel like I'm losing more friends. They skate all day, so I can never come and han out with them. Besides, Eddy is always the one who makes the plans, so I'm never even invited. A few weeks ago, Luis invited me to go to this BMX thing which is tonight. Now Eddy found out a few days ago, and is reallt into it. I doubt he wants me there, I guess I'll "cramp his style." But whatever. Recently, Eddy talks to me about Luis and them. He tells me things about them, as If I haven't known them since 7th grade. I don't know. I need stability, once again. I doubt I'll ever find it. But that's just me.

This is no loner life; This is agony.