2/11/10

Why Are We So Blind To See That The Ones We Hurt Are You And Me?

So, this is getting a little rediculous. I have been missing about two or three days a week of school. on average since October. I haven't seen a full week since, that's for sure. I keep telling myself that I'll go, and it will all be okay. But, I just don't. It's like I can' get out of bed. Even with the ambien and going to bed early, I still have so much damn trouble. It's like I really don't give a fuck about my future, but the other half of me is so afraid of not graduating. I took an adderall tonight. This is what it has come to, really. I have to take a pill to make me stay up all night just so I can make it to school. I feel horrible wasting my grandma's money.. We can barely afford the school and I'm just blowing it off. I don't know what my problem is. It got so bad that Mr. Holleman went as far as calling my cell phone to see what was going on. That really scared me. I cried my eyes out for a half hour.. and low and behold, the very next week I'm still missing school like it's nothing. I've considered dropping out and getting my GED, but who am I kidding? I only have less than a semester left, and I'm thinking about giving up? Sigh. I just don't know what to do anymore, other than turn to adderall.. which really isn't good. It just makes me feel like shit. I kind of want to see my Dr., but I don't want to tell him anything about my pill deal. What's the point of going to a psychiatrist if I can't talk to him about my real problems? I'm just afraid he'll take the pills away from me. Then what? See, I may talk to a counselor about that if I had one.. I miss counseling. I feel it helped. I asked grandma to try and get me to go to sessions again, but she hasn't done anything about it. I've asked dozens of times, but nothing. I wish she cared a little more.. then again, there's my life story.
So I don't know why, but I'm feeling that emptiness again. I really, really want to talk to my dad. I'm very glad George said he would come. I feel so much more comfortable around him. This feeling in general is so lousy, though. It's like an intense longing for something, but I don't know what it is exactly. I have guesses, and they're more than likely quite accurate. But, I shouldn't be feeling like this. I have what I've been wanting, really. I mean I have my freedoms, my leisures, a caring boyfriend who I really like.. what else could I really need? I mean, a real family would probably help.. but that's not about to happen. I just want to be 100% happy. I remember when I was. What happened?
So, in other news, this is bad, but I've been wanting to try a new drug lately. I don't know why, really.. I just need a new high. Great, eh? I've been oh so slightly tempted to try cocaine.. but the largest part of me is SO afraid to do it. I mean, both my parents were on it. It fucked up my life without me even coming into direct contact with it, so why would I be attracted to it? My addiction chances would be through the roof.. I have such an addictive personality, to the genetic level. I mean come on, it took me no time at all to become intensely addicted to cigarettes. Then again, nicotine is the most addictive substance there is. At the same time, cocaine is up there too. I can't think of another drug, though. I would like LSD. Never heroin.. obviously my mom, and then my huge fear of needles (thank god). I think that's what inspired by phobia, actually. I guess every mushroom cloud does have a silver lining.
I wish I had some more to talk about. Venting makes me feel so much better. Although, at the same time, it makes me feel so depressed. It's really sick and very strange, but it's almost like the depression has been such a huge part of my life, I'm dependent on it. It's like I need it, and a part of me even wants it. That sounds so stupid, but it's true. I just don't like admitting it. It's like, where would I be, what would I be, without it? It's a part of me, like some sick disease. It's a battle, and I really would like it to be over with. I feel like a crazy person sometimes. Then again, aren't we all a little crazy? Right now I would just love to cry. It's sort of cleansing. But, I don't have enough emotions bubbling to the surface to cry. I've oppressed them too far down. The time will come eventually, I just feel I could use it now. Oh well. Nothing really ever happens when I want it to anyways. Just my kind of luck, right? Though most would consider not crying the lucky part...
Well, I guess I really don't have any more to say now. Maybe I'll have some input after I get my progress report in the mail.. Should be soon. I'll just sit online for the next five hours I guess.

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