Your Eyes Are The Size Of The Moon.

I am honestly sick of everything right now. I cannot stand myself. I mean, really, what do I have to offer in life right now? I'm a failure at school. I mean, I am getting a fucking 59% in AAT. I'm getting a C in english, unless it dropped to a D. That makes me sad, because math and english were my best subjects. I am getting B's in chemistry and spanish. I have a B in gym. The only A I have is in art. This is horrible. I have an F in history, I believe. I have realized this year, I am not smart. I have no talent. I cannot play sports. I just humiliate myself. I have no looks to substitute for my failure in school. I mean, I can't even get a date to homecoming. No guy would look twice at me. They would glance then be repulsed and walk away. I am awkward and a bitch. I do not even know why I have any friends. One thing about homecoming that gets me down, is the fact that I really wanted to go with Eddy. No sophomore year no junior year. And, this would be my last chance. He is not going to be here next year. But obviously he cannot see my pain. He is oblivious to nearly everything. This boy, I now noticed, sees only what he wants to see. He is hateful and selfish. He is immature and non-understanding. I wish things could be like they were last year, and freshman year. We were amazing. We clicked. We were perfect. I do not know what happened. But, there is no going back. So no use in regrets.

I hate the world, though. And I always will. Sickening.

Ripped Apart At The Seams Of My Dreams...

I took him for granted. I took it all for granted. He said forever; I believed him. Little things circle my mind, now. I should have gone to turnabout with him last year, when he wanted me to. I didn't go to a dance with my own boyfriend. This year he's still begging me, to come to homecoming, but it isn't me as his date. It's just me in the picture. Last year he said he would ask me, this year a week ago he told me he was thinking of asking me. He shouldn't say that if he has no intention of doing so. He's naming all these girls to ask, and the words just kinda of go right through me. I don't know why I try.

Things were good.
The things are gone.
The good is gone.

Simply, Me.

There is no pretending, hiding, running, changing; I am Me. I'm nothing special. I have no exceptional beauty. I haven't an stunning body. I am not perfect. I am flawed. I'm an a human beign, and I am unique.

This is who I am, and this is who I will remain to be.

Be Careful What You Wish For, 'Cause You Just Might Get It.

Oh wow, last night was h e c t i c.

All right, so, here's what's been happening. A few months ago, Jill was caught ditching school three times, and sneaking out ofher hour ten times. Soon after, he parents decided to go through her room. They found everything: amphetamine, weed, cocaine, tripple c's, all of it. Hence, Jillian has been on extreme lockdown. I haven't seen her, talked to her, anything. Her parents took away her phone, computer, she isn't allowed to see ANYONE.
So, last night I got a call from Caroyln. She was crying. She said that Jill had called her from a restricted number. And she told me that Jill was trying to find a place to stay, because she finally told the police that her dad abuses her and her family. So, Carolyn and her mother went and picked her up from a Target in Villa Park. They brought her to the police station. The cops called me at just before 2am, confirming that my grandma was here, and that it was okay for Jill to come here. Carolyn was texting me all night about it, and apparently, Jill's parents came and got her.. The cops had called them and told them everything. I'm so afraid for Jill right now. But, I can't dwell on it. I just know, though, that things will never be the same.

I didn't go to school today, since I was up all night with the Jill ordeal. I know I'm going to regret it, but oh well. Oh Shit. I just realized that since it's the weekend, we're gonna get LOADED with homework. Oh fuck. Whatever.

Later on I'm supposed to go to Raul's for like a grill or something. I need to get waisted. Haha I love that boy, I never get to see him. Hopefully this will be fun. It might be awkward though, because since I can't bring Jill, I'm probably not going to know like, anyone there.

My mind is exploding.

Every Inch You See Is Bruised.

So lately I've been trying hard to be a calm person. I've been working on avoiding confrontations, arguements, and bad temper. It's working, and killing me all at the same time. See, a few weeks ago at school, Eddy told me that people never change. That I'll always be a sarcastic bitch. Those words cut right through me. I'm not doing this to prove him wrong. I'm doing this to prove to myself that I have the will, and that people CAN change. I firmly believe in that. I'm also doing this to make my life a bit easier. I turn the other cheek now. I can walk away. I can be the bigger person. I can absorb insults. I can listen to the opposing voice and agree with them, letting tension away. But, I can't change the way I feel. Things still bruise me as easily as they did before. But, I've resorted once again to keeping them bottled up. You know, sometimes I wish I didn't have close friends. I like the way I am when I first get to know someone. I'm so happy, and kind, and fun. Then as the friendship progresses, they can see my true colors. Those colors are harsh yet cold, definitive yet blurry. Well, I'll see how this goes. I hope it works. I'll make it work.
However.. Eddy is a force to be reckoned with. He takes many things very personally. He's insulted if my main focus isn't on him. He despises me for my friends actions, and for things I have no control over. He keeps grudges, for days. And, while in his bad moods, he takes it all out on me. I walk away, and he takes it as another insult. Stay I'm screwed, leave I'm screwed. I don't like seeing him this way over anything, and I don't like upsetting him for a myriad of reasons. He IS my best friend. And I try to make him happy. Sometimes though, I feel he doesn't know what he has. He takes me for granted; something he shouldn't do. This is my fault. I'm weak, and can't maintain anything. I can't stand against him. He knows that I can't say no to him. I'm getting better, but I'm not quite there. Sometimes I can't decipher if he cares about me or not. Like, I know he does. But he abuses me in too many ways.
I just want to be h a p p y . . .

Am I Supposed To Be Happy, When All I Ever Wanted, It Comes With A Price

Cat And Mouse.
- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

Dark Blue.
- Jack's Mannequin.

A Little's Enough.
- Angels And Airwaves.

Pieces.
- Sum 41.

Don't Be So Hard. [acoustic]
- The Audition.

Aye Julian.
- Merither.

Three Cheers For Five Years. [acoustic]
- Mayday Parade.

Best Of Me.
- Sum 41.

No It Isn't.
- Plus 44.

Make You Smile.
- Plus 44.

The Only Song. [acoustic]
- Sherwood.

Time After Time.
- Quietdrive.

Baby Come On. [acoustic]
- Plus 44.

Bruised.
- Jack's Mannequin.


The perfect playlist for a broken heart.
Some days I hate him, and I know I do. Other days, I love him, and care about him more than anything. This is only going to get harder.

Are Your Perspiring From The Irony?

And today, the cigarette burned.

I don't know what it is. Something is off. I feel so uncomfortable, but, this is such a weird feeling. It's so ineffable. It's like I've been here before. Kind of like I'm stuck in a memory. I feel as I did then, but I don't know when "then" was. I sound like a psycho, but I maintain that something feels wrong.

Fall is basically here. It's my favorite season. I enjoy the cool air. I enjoy having to wear hoodies or sweaters when I leave my house. I enjoy the trees shedding their lives, waiting patientally for renewal. This season has a specific sense about it. It calms me, I suppose, which is what I need. I've been feeling more tranquil lately, anyways. I try so hard. I try to control and supress my anger, and not let my emotions blow out of proportion. I avoid arguements now. I'll let the other person have their say, and not contradict it. I'm not backing down, just avoiding unnecessary confrontation.

I don't know if I'm doing this right or not. Someone, let me know.
Bring a magnifying glass to my world, and etch away the details;
perfect me.

You're The Flame That Burns Me So I Know I'm Still Alive.

Isn't it odd that the universal answer to almost everything is a simple movement of the shoulders? A shrug is a powerful thing. The body is an amazing thing, as well. I mean, I take a step and back look at things sometimes. I see the ability to walk, how we bend precisely to help propell us foreward. I see how much hands are capable of. They're flexible and respondant. They can be gentile, or forceful. Maybe i'm just weird, but I appreciate the human body. Something else that amazes me is the english language. I mean, yeah there are only 26 letters in out alphabet, but there are SO many words out there. Even those who speak the language don't even know half the words. Sometimes when I write, I stop and think "wow.. I just can't comprehend how I do this." I mean, I was taught. I learned. It's just such an interesting topic.
Observant, or just stupid, that's how I am.