Every Inch You See Is Bruised.

So lately I've been trying hard to be a calm person. I've been working on avoiding confrontations, arguements, and bad temper. It's working, and killing me all at the same time. See, a few weeks ago at school, Eddy told me that people never change. That I'll always be a sarcastic bitch. Those words cut right through me. I'm not doing this to prove him wrong. I'm doing this to prove to myself that I have the will, and that people CAN change. I firmly believe in that. I'm also doing this to make my life a bit easier. I turn the other cheek now. I can walk away. I can be the bigger person. I can absorb insults. I can listen to the opposing voice and agree with them, letting tension away. But, I can't change the way I feel. Things still bruise me as easily as they did before. But, I've resorted once again to keeping them bottled up. You know, sometimes I wish I didn't have close friends. I like the way I am when I first get to know someone. I'm so happy, and kind, and fun. Then as the friendship progresses, they can see my true colors. Those colors are harsh yet cold, definitive yet blurry. Well, I'll see how this goes. I hope it works. I'll make it work.
However.. Eddy is a force to be reckoned with. He takes many things very personally. He's insulted if my main focus isn't on him. He despises me for my friends actions, and for things I have no control over. He keeps grudges, for days. And, while in his bad moods, he takes it all out on me. I walk away, and he takes it as another insult. Stay I'm screwed, leave I'm screwed. I don't like seeing him this way over anything, and I don't like upsetting him for a myriad of reasons. He IS my best friend. And I try to make him happy. Sometimes though, I feel he doesn't know what he has. He takes me for granted; something he shouldn't do. This is my fault. I'm weak, and can't maintain anything. I can't stand against him. He knows that I can't say no to him. I'm getting better, but I'm not quite there. Sometimes I can't decipher if he cares about me or not. Like, I know he does. But he abuses me in too many ways.
I just want to be h a p p y . . .