I'm Ready For Anything.

Seriously? I just waste my time too damn much. 

HL2HouseMD (1:17:22 AM): I just had this deep conversation with my best friend

epth x33 (1:17:52 AM): congrats

HL2HouseMD (1:18:27 AM): your sarcasm pisses me off

HL2HouseMD (1:18:57 AM): fuck it

epth x33 (1:19:02 AM): no lol im sorry im not trying to be sarsastic. i didnt feel like writing it out all the way

epth x33 (1:19:16 AM): blah fuck. i wasn

epth x33 (1:19:21 AM): t being sarcastic

HL2HouseMD (1:19:33 AM): you're just trying to take it back now

HL2HouseMD (1:19:36 AM): anyway

HL2HouseMD (1:19:53 AM): we got out of Terminator Salvation around midnight

HL2HouseMD (1:20:03 AM): so we just drove around for about an hour to talk about shit

epth x33 (1:20:07 AM): WHERE WERE YOU

HL2HouseMD (1:20:18 AM): Elk Grove?

epth x33 (1:20:28 AM): oh lol. my bad. i was at the drive in watching that

HL2HouseMD (1:20:38 AM): I really liked it

HL2HouseMD (1:20:42 AM): anywho

HL2HouseMD (1:20:54 AM): we were talking about catcher in the rye

HL2HouseMD (1:20:58 AM): and shit

HL2HouseMD (1:21:14 AM): we both agree it's our favorite book by far

HL2HouseMD (1:21:33 AM): and then somehow we got to talking about flaws

HL2HouseMD (1:21:51 AM): and he said I have great power

HL2HouseMD (1:22:02 AM): but my weakness is that either people love me

HL2HouseMD (1:22:04 AM): or they hate me

HL2HouseMD (1:22:08 AM): and he said

HL2HouseMD (1:22:24 AM): "there's literally no one who thinks neutral of you"

HL2HouseMD (1:22:57 AM): he was the 2nd person to say that to me

HL2HouseMD (1:23:20 AM): I totally accept it

HL2HouseMD (1:23:23 AM): I kind of like it

HL2HouseMD (1:23:34 AM): because I like chaos

epth x33 (1:23:39 AM): interesting. i just got done reasing catcher. anyways, yeah. chaos? lol

HL2HouseMD (1:24:27 AM): I don't remember the last time I thought so hard about shit

epth x33 (1:25:02 AM): are you high?

HL2HouseMD (1:25:07 AM): no

HL2HouseMD (1:25:41 AM): I messaged you to tell you that we have the most fake relationship possible

HL2HouseMD (1:26:00 AM): and that

HL2HouseMD (1:26:27 AM): if you were someone in my school that I got to see everyday

HL2HouseMD (1:26:38 AM): I'd probably really dislike you

epth x33 (1:27:29 AM): hmm, thanks.

HL2HouseMD (1:28:11 AM): yeah

epth x33 (1:28:40 AM): i don't even know if i wanna ask at this point

HL2HouseMD (1:28:54 AM): I'm going to go to sleep now

HL2HouseMD (1:29:00 AM): I got work at 9

HL2HouseMD (1:29:08 AM): you know how that is

HL2HouseMD (1:29:17 AM): bye

I'm Singing Out To The Lonely Ones.

So, today I have finally fully realized that I mean nothing to people. I complain about the same damn thing every time I write. But today, I went to Luis' concert. I began to talk to John, but he cut me off with "no, no, the real question is 'do i care?'" I can take a joke from John. But the thing that just set me off was Eddy laughing his ass off and saying "Nice, John," followed by a high five. From there on, I could feel my body temperature rising from pure fury. I wasn't that upset over that occurance.. it just sparked some memories. I mean, c'mon. 

1. "Emily, no, you have a perfect body"; just to get me in bed.

2. Not a single fucking word that comes out of my mouth means a damn thing; you lust after me.

3. Yeah, that's right.. just quit talking to me and ignore me after we get involved. Thank you.

Honestly? Each is directed at a different person. I just don't know. After the concert, John, Luis, Eddie Joe, Eddy, Mike, and this other badn member just disappeared without saying where the hell they were going; they just left me there. That really makes me happy with them, you know? Once again.. it's SO good to know that I am really loved.

Right now, all I feel is sick. It's probably the lack of food today, but I don't care. I'm sick of eating. I gained so much weight. And that's the last thing I want; the be FAT[er] and alone.

Whatever.

I remember "stay.." I remember "please don't ever leave."

I just need to know that I am loved. People... they use me; they get bored with me; they leave me; they make promises, and make me feel as though they care.. and then, they are gone. I mean, come on.. it hurts when a man makes no effort to stay in touch or even contact his daughter, a child he himself created. If he can't love his own child, who else can? People have been taken away from me my whole life. People have just turned away from me. Whenever I get close to someone, they use me for what they want, then ignore me. It's happened far too often. And it hurts. I feel like an object, bluntly. And my "friends," they get bored with me. They find better people, better things to do.. and they just quit talking to me. It's like they kick me to the curb.

I find myself asking "why? why me?" again, a lot lately. I'm not exactly sure who I am talking to. If there is a God though, I just want an answer. I mean, c'mon. Some people my age have never experienced death. I've lost, due to death or just ignorance, at least eight people in my seventeen years of living. I don't like the word "molest," so I'll just say, c'mon again, take away my family, the overwhelm, frighten, and confuse me by being violated by someone I trust? Place me with a drunk, drug addicted, abusive, ignorant father? Place me in contact with people who, once again, abuse me mentally and phsically? 

If one were to enter my mind, review my memories; replay my fears; live with my pain, frustration, and confusion; I know they would break down. I have my secrets. I have reasons to hate myself. I have reasons to not trust the world. People have it worse, yes. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a good education, etc. I have freedoms. I'm just so tired of this mental fucking agony. Yeah, this is a post about me bitching. So the fuck what. My blog.

I just need to know that someone, anyone, loves me.

I've Been Waiting, Everything Is Taking Way Too Long.. I've Gone About This All Wrong...

While walking today, I realized. I am not a happy person. I mean, it's like I knew that but it didn't really hit me until now. I'm a bit sick of it. Being sad all the time? Feeling alone and empty, like you have no one to turn to? Feeling unloved, uncared for, unwanted, rejected, hated?Not having people to turn to when you need them most?

All I need is someone here for me. My friends, it seems, have turned on me; turned away from me. I've been told, though, that this feeling of hated by my friends towards me is actually the result of my self hatred being reflected off them back towards me; basically, since I hate myself, I see others as hating me just as much.

I don't know.. I just want to feel pure joy again; I have forgotten what it's like.
And it hurts.

Am I Still Your Charm, Or Am I Just Bad Luck?

So I used to get invited everywhere, called, texted, filled in. Now, it's like they just forgot about me. Life was good. I mean, I had parties. I felt like I had real friends, ones that I could trust. I guess I was wrong. I'm so stupid. I gave it all up for this? You know, apparently I can't do anything right; at school, at home, anywhere, really. I mean, god forbid my grandma come home and not complain about my stupidity. Makes me feel the fuck loved when I know that no one else gives a damn about me. Idk, I'm just really, really sick of it all. 

I don't want to cry anymore. It hurts, phsycally, mentally, emotionally obviously. I've gone back to honestly contemplating about ending it. I have nothing to live for. And I'm sure as hell going nowhere. It's just looking like a good option right about now. Wouldn't even matter anyways.