I Wish I Had A Rabbit In A Hat With A Bat.

It has returned. My pessimistic outlook has come back to me. It almost seems to have sewn itself into my DNA. The haze that once clouded my mind has settled back down. Once agian, my mind races. Thinks. Wonders. Wishes. Regrets. More importantly, I dwell on the future. I can't control it. I push it out of my mind. But, this constant fear of what's going to happen, and become of me, is the most stubborn yo-yo that has ever been attached to my brain. Everything little thing triggers my emotions. I'm so sensative. I have cried over everything yet nothing every single night for the past three weeks, at least. I don't understand. I feel empty, and alone. My confidence has sunk down, down, down. I am self-concious. Again. Why?
I just don't comprehend. I try so hard. All those people who tell me "suck it up, emily. get over it, emily. depression is just something you can fix. don't think about it. push it out of your head. don't be so weak, emily. it's a stupid thing, emily."
Let me tell you, everyone: It Is Not That Simple.

For a while, I felt good. I had a positive outlook. I wanted to be alive, and outside with people. I would laugh. I would smile. And I would mean those laughs and smiles. I felt good about my body, about my talents, about the future. I had hope, which was the thing that i needed to hold on to. And now, what has happened?

The depression has returned, more powerful than before. It's like a thick, heavy blanket draped over my body, which suffocates me in everyway. It cuts me off from life, enjoyment, nature, simplicity, friends, family; everything. I despise it with every inch of my being.

I can not comprehend why this is happening. I'm on 100+mgs of "happy" pills. And they don't work? It's as though my body surrendered to them, then realized how to overcome them. Almost like the medicine was a disease, and anti-bodies work against them.

I don't want to switch medication, either. If this won't work, I don't know what will. I'm afraid that whatever I try next may be the thing that resorts to turning me into a zombie; listless, lifeless, unkowing, uncaring. And though I don't want the pain, I don't want that more.

I don't want anything to change my personality, just cure me from this constant misery. I'm scared that the people whom I care most about will quit caring because they don't know me. The ones who love me, especially one in specific, might fall out of this love. They won't recognize me. They won't know me. And they won't feel like starting over with me, to rebuild a relationship.

Won't anyone answer me? Won't anyone recognize this? Won't anyone remain, and stand by me in silent understanding, as opposed to criticism? Do I have true friends left? Moreover, my family?

My grandma, whom I live with, doesn't even notice. I'm openly moody and miserable, yet she doesn't care or pay attention. When I would slit my wrists open, she wouldn't know. She couldn't tell. Is she that dense? Or do I mean nothing to her? Because, she has beocme dead to me.

My father. We were reunited after over ten years. And, I don't understand this. Everyone keeps telling me that if he really wanted to see me, or find me, he would have searched for me. I want to love him, and know him. But does he not want me at all? Are his stories lies? He tells me he thinks about me every day. He said he "thought" my grandmother changed my name and took me away. Does that mean he should have stopped trying to find the one creature who he gave life to? I guess it does. He "loves" me. Is that why he hasn't contacted me since Easter? Is that why he doesn't attempt to see me, or talk to me? I guess it is. Should I care about this man? Doesn't anyone realize that I can forgive, and that evreyone deserves chances. Do they realize that I want this, and need this. Do they have to bring me down, and tell me that he doesn't really care about me? Do they even stop to think about what that does to me? No.

For those who can read my depression, I am glad. But, what happens then. I'm sick of all those "sorry phrases." No one knows what to do. It isn't their fault. There is a small handful of people who know how to give it to me straight, and they are appreciated.

Sigh. Here we go again.
Can't anyone save me now?



-eanna.

Will The Scars Go Away With Night?

No. They won't ever go away. The remain with us as perminant reminders of our discusting pasts. They unlock hidden memories. And they bring new pangs to the surface. I have bad memories. I have regrets. This is thirteen of them. Most, years old. But everlasting.

The Moon Shines Bright For Them.

Everything just seems to go so slow. Time. Decisions. Anything. I'm awaiting his answer. If he doesn't love me, if he doesn't want me, then I need to move on. But he gives me hope, false or real, and i hold on to that as if it's my only lifeline.
At times, I think one of the many reasons why I am so patient is because I am afraid. Yes, I am in love. And it won't go away easily, if ever. But if something happened to cut us off completely, then what would I do? I have no one. The people whom I trust most, the ones I feel most deeply for, who have mutual feelings, leave. And, they are few and far inbetween.
I am not pretty. I have no special talents. I have no confidence. I really can't do anything well. So why shouldn't I end up alone? Everyone always leaves me alone, anyway. Since the day I was born, every single person I have ever loved in any way has left.
So, why should now be any different?

Simplicity.

Captain, Did You Feel The Water Rising?

So today is good and bad at the same time. I have a fever of 102.8.. which is pretty high. I don't know what I'll do if it breaks 103. Probably have to go to the hospital.. lovely. And I had to miss school again. I actually wanted to go today, because of 2nd and 3rd period. But whatever.
Last night I was so unbelievably stressed out. But I was finally given some guidance, and good, solid, non-bias advice. Which I value deeply. From now on, I'm going to try my hardest to just go with the flow.. meaning, whatever happens, just happens. There really isn't anything I can do about it. What's the sense of worrying? I can just wait it out, and let it play from there.
I still wish i could have some new people in my life, however. I'm a little tired of going to a school with the same 200 assholes. But, I guess that's only for two more years. College should be better. Even though I'm an impatient fuck. Haha. Oh well. Everything will be all right in the end.

-eanne.

Let's Stand Like Real Men, For Once In Our Lives.

May 5th.

It was a hectic day. The night before, I couldn't sleep at all. I think i got about two hours, total. I woke up, constantly. But, oh well. The first two classes of the day, i was miserable. I felt sick to my stomach. Then for a few periods, I felt a little better. But by homeroom, someone just made me snap again. I was in tears by seventh period, and by the end of the day I was gone. In the evening, I went to a park to resolve some things with steve. I understand how he feels now, to an extent. but I wish he could understand me a little better. Some of the things that he tells me though, make me think.. more than I need to. "Do you like the abuse?" that just made me feel so happy.. I guess, I tend to be blinded by things.

May 6th.

When I woke up, I was in a good mood. And I thought today was going to be nice; I was wrong. During mass in the morning, I started to have an anxiety attack. I don't know what brings them on.. I never used to get them. I think it's withdrawl symptoms, possibly. Well, after that I've been feeling dizzy. I ended up leaving school toward the end up 3rd period, because my head was pounding, and I just couldn't think straight. All I needed was to be at home, and relax. So, now, I'm just sitting here, contimplating on random matters & recent events.

This month, I think, is going to go by fast. But other aspects bother me. I'm going to be single for far too long, which bothers me. But, I'll get over it. School ends the 23rd, and finals are te 26th-28th. The day I get out of school, I'm going to Wisconsin with Jillian, her family, and Emily. They have a cabin up there, and we're staying for the weekend. It should be nice.. I need to buy a swimsuit though. God I can't remember that last time I went out in public with a swimsuit on. But, they're my friends.. so I'll live.

-eanne

Life At It's Finest.