I Wish I Had A Rabbit In A Hat With A Bat.
It has returned. My pessimistic outlook has come back to me. It almost seems to have sewn itself into my DNA. The haze that once clouded my mind has settled back down. Once agian, my mind races. Thinks. Wonders. Wishes. Regrets. More importantly, I dwell on the future. I can't control it. I push it out of my mind. But, this constant fear of what's going to happen, and become of me, is the most stubborn yo-yo that has ever been attached to my brain. Everything little thing triggers my emotions. I'm so sensative. I have cried over everything yet nothing every single night for the past three weeks, at least. I don't understand. I feel empty, and alone. My confidence has sunk down, down, down. I am self-concious. Again. Why?
I just don't comprehend. I try so hard. All those people who tell me "suck it up, emily. get over it, emily. depression is just something you can fix. don't think about it. push it out of your head. don't be so weak, emily. it's a stupid thing, emily."
Let me tell you, everyone: It Is Not That Simple.
For a while, I felt good. I had a positive outlook. I wanted to be alive, and outside with people. I would laugh. I would smile. And I would mean those laughs and smiles. I felt good about my body, about my talents, about the future. I had hope, which was the thing that i needed to hold on to. And now, what has happened?
The depression has returned, more powerful than before. It's like a thick, heavy blanket draped over my body, which suffocates me in everyway. It cuts me off from life, enjoyment, nature, simplicity, friends, family; everything. I despise it with every inch of my being.
I can not comprehend why this is happening. I'm on 100+mgs of "happy" pills. And they don't work? It's as though my body surrendered to them, then realized how to overcome them. Almost like the medicine was a disease, and anti-bodies work against them.
I don't want to switch medication, either. If this won't work, I don't know what will. I'm afraid that whatever I try next may be the thing that resorts to turning me into a zombie; listless, lifeless, unkowing, uncaring. And though I don't want the pain, I don't want that more.
I don't want anything to change my personality, just cure me from this constant misery. I'm scared that the people whom I care most about will quit caring because they don't know me. The ones who love me, especially one in specific, might fall out of this love. They won't recognize me. They won't know me. And they won't feel like starting over with me, to rebuild a relationship.
Won't anyone answer me? Won't anyone recognize this? Won't anyone remain, and stand by me in silent understanding, as opposed to criticism? Do I have true friends left? Moreover, my family?
My grandma, whom I live with, doesn't even notice. I'm openly moody and miserable, yet she doesn't care or pay attention. When I would slit my wrists open, she wouldn't know. She couldn't tell. Is she that dense? Or do I mean nothing to her? Because, she has beocme dead to me.
My father. We were reunited after over ten years. And, I don't understand this. Everyone keeps telling me that if he really wanted to see me, or find me, he would have searched for me. I want to love him, and know him. But does he not want me at all? Are his stories lies? He tells me he thinks about me every day. He said he "thought" my grandmother changed my name and took me away. Does that mean he should have stopped trying to find the one creature who he gave life to? I guess it does. He "loves" me. Is that why he hasn't contacted me since Easter? Is that why he doesn't attempt to see me, or talk to me? I guess it is. Should I care about this man? Doesn't anyone realize that I can forgive, and that evreyone deserves chances. Do they realize that I want this, and need this. Do they have to bring me down, and tell me that he doesn't really care about me? Do they even stop to think about what that does to me? No.
For those who can read my depression, I am glad. But, what happens then. I'm sick of all those "sorry phrases." No one knows what to do. It isn't their fault. There is a small handful of people who know how to give it to me straight, and they are appreciated.
Sigh. Here we go again.
Can't anyone save me now?
-eanna.
I just don't comprehend. I try so hard. All those people who tell me "suck it up, emily. get over it, emily. depression is just something you can fix. don't think about it. push it out of your head. don't be so weak, emily. it's a stupid thing, emily."
Let me tell you, everyone: It Is Not That Simple.
For a while, I felt good. I had a positive outlook. I wanted to be alive, and outside with people. I would laugh. I would smile. And I would mean those laughs and smiles. I felt good about my body, about my talents, about the future. I had hope, which was the thing that i needed to hold on to. And now, what has happened?
The depression has returned, more powerful than before. It's like a thick, heavy blanket draped over my body, which suffocates me in everyway. It cuts me off from life, enjoyment, nature, simplicity, friends, family; everything. I despise it with every inch of my being.
I can not comprehend why this is happening. I'm on 100+mgs of "happy" pills. And they don't work? It's as though my body surrendered to them, then realized how to overcome them. Almost like the medicine was a disease, and anti-bodies work against them.
I don't want to switch medication, either. If this won't work, I don't know what will. I'm afraid that whatever I try next may be the thing that resorts to turning me into a zombie; listless, lifeless, unkowing, uncaring. And though I don't want the pain, I don't want that more.
I don't want anything to change my personality, just cure me from this constant misery. I'm scared that the people whom I care most about will quit caring because they don't know me. The ones who love me, especially one in specific, might fall out of this love. They won't recognize me. They won't know me. And they won't feel like starting over with me, to rebuild a relationship.
Won't anyone answer me? Won't anyone recognize this? Won't anyone remain, and stand by me in silent understanding, as opposed to criticism? Do I have true friends left? Moreover, my family?
My grandma, whom I live with, doesn't even notice. I'm openly moody and miserable, yet she doesn't care or pay attention. When I would slit my wrists open, she wouldn't know. She couldn't tell. Is she that dense? Or do I mean nothing to her? Because, she has beocme dead to me.
My father. We were reunited after over ten years. And, I don't understand this. Everyone keeps telling me that if he really wanted to see me, or find me, he would have searched for me. I want to love him, and know him. But does he not want me at all? Are his stories lies? He tells me he thinks about me every day. He said he "thought" my grandmother changed my name and took me away. Does that mean he should have stopped trying to find the one creature who he gave life to? I guess it does. He "loves" me. Is that why he hasn't contacted me since Easter? Is that why he doesn't attempt to see me, or talk to me? I guess it is. Should I care about this man? Doesn't anyone realize that I can forgive, and that evreyone deserves chances. Do they realize that I want this, and need this. Do they have to bring me down, and tell me that he doesn't really care about me? Do they even stop to think about what that does to me? No.
For those who can read my depression, I am glad. But, what happens then. I'm sick of all those "sorry phrases." No one knows what to do. It isn't their fault. There is a small handful of people who know how to give it to me straight, and they are appreciated.
Sigh. Here we go again.
Can't anyone save me now?
-eanna.
posted by Emabearr at
12:54 PM
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