I feel alone and tired.

This is my hell. This is my personal penitentiary. I look around but I just don't see anything. Nothing feels as it used to. Nothing is as it use to be. Half of me wants to just freeze time and melt away, and the other half wants to skip through years, to a happier time. Provided happy times come. I am not happy. I am still fooling myself and the world around me, and I must say, I'm doing a damn good job. I'm back to putting on my "mask," and getting caught up in my own intricately woken lies. I still have such a lonely feeling, and such a longing for something. I need someone to fill the ever growing gap inside me. I can feel my hollowness.. and it is not pleasant. Like right now, everyone is with their families: having fun, making memories. I, however, am sitting in my room alone just shivering and feeling a strong mixture of negative emotions. I hate the holidays, I see nothing good in them.

If i depression was a disease one could die from, I would have been long gone. Though in my eyes, I'm already dead.

Last Night, It Came As A Picture, With A Good Reason, A Warning Sign.

Decisions, decisions...

Today I was awoken at a while after three by Bernice, because Aunt Mary was here. I had totally forgotten that I was supposed to spend time with her and Anna today. We got some Indian food, and then later something was brought up by her and Bernice. They're thinking of sending me to live with her after I graduate to go to college out there, since it's supposedly better. She lives in Orland Hills. This just reminds me of my fucking childhood, being bounced around. It's an uncomfortable feeling. I'm trying to weigh this, though I wouldn't really have a choice. I'm going to start with the con's:

Con's.
- I would miss my friends.
- I may not be able to bring my cat, whom I adore more than life.
- I would have to quit my job, making paying for college a struggle.
- I would have to either get off my medication or find a new psychiatrist.
- I would [probably] have less freedoms.
- I would have to quit smoking.

Pro's:
- Good education.
- They would help me get my license [thought I could do that now, anyways].
- I would get to start a new life, like I've wanted to.
- I would have to quit smoking.

The Pro's are good, and the Con's just sound plain selfish. But, I get anxious and straight scared when thinking about it. I don't really want to be sent away. If she didn't live an hour away it wouldn't be so bad. I really like her, and Bob is okay too. They're very nice and financially set. I just feel very lost right now. It's going to fuck with me if they go through with it. I'm legally an adult, I should be able to make this choice on my own.

I need guidance ):

Retreat letter, 2009.

Dear Emily,

You are loved. Not just by me, but by the whole family. But I love you as if you were physically born from me. And that will never change. At times, I may get angry or upset or disappointed by something you do or say, but I still love you, no matter what. And I always will. I am very proud of you, and that you are still in school. There are so many things I want to tell you, but you may not want to hear them, or you may not believe me if I tell you
I have always given you honest answers to your questions; but I tried to do it in words and ways that you could understand at the time. As you get older, you may have more questions, or want more details about things from the past. If you do, you can ask me anything and I will tell you what I know. Or refer you to someone else, that can answer you better than I.
I don't know what you are going through emotionally. You have never shared that with me, nor has your doctor. But I can empathize with you. When I was in my teens, I was taken to counseling by my mom. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. There were dark times in my life (still are now and then) when I contemplated suicide. But I am glad that I never tried it. I would have missed out on way too much love and happiness. And I wouldn't have been here for you.
I know I'm not the best mom or grandma in the world, but I've always done the best I know how. I'm sorry if that wasn't enough for you. I know that my way was what your mother approved of, because I am the person she asked to take care of you, if anything ever happened to her. And I have honored that request to the best of my ability. We may not be as financially set as some of your relatives, but I have tried to give you a stable and loving home to grow up in.
I am proud of so many things you do; your art, your grades, your ability to make and keep friends, The fact that you are becoming a young woman, who is conscious of politics, world issues, and that you are independent in your thinking. I've tried to teach you to be responsible, and to have good values, make your own choices based on fact. I hope I have taught you well. These are things you will need in the grown-up world.
I know I am away at work, a lot. And I feel guilty about that, most of the time. I tried to always be there for you, when you were younger, but you probably don't need me much now, anyway. You have become your own person, But I am here if you need me.
I know you can be successful at whatever you choose to do with your life. If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way to achieve it. You've said that you don't believe in God, but I do. I have prayed for you every day or your life, and will continue to do so. I wish you all the success you deserve, and hope you live a happier more fulfilling life than me or your parents.

All my love,
grandma