Retreat letter, 2009.

Dear Emily,

You are loved. Not just by me, but by the whole family. But I love you as if you were physically born from me. And that will never change. At times, I may get angry or upset or disappointed by something you do or say, but I still love you, no matter what. And I always will. I am very proud of you, and that you are still in school. There are so many things I want to tell you, but you may not want to hear them, or you may not believe me if I tell you
I have always given you honest answers to your questions; but I tried to do it in words and ways that you could understand at the time. As you get older, you may have more questions, or want more details about things from the past. If you do, you can ask me anything and I will tell you what I know. Or refer you to someone else, that can answer you better than I.
I don't know what you are going through emotionally. You have never shared that with me, nor has your doctor. But I can empathize with you. When I was in my teens, I was taken to counseling by my mom. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. There were dark times in my life (still are now and then) when I contemplated suicide. But I am glad that I never tried it. I would have missed out on way too much love and happiness. And I wouldn't have been here for you.
I know I'm not the best mom or grandma in the world, but I've always done the best I know how. I'm sorry if that wasn't enough for you. I know that my way was what your mother approved of, because I am the person she asked to take care of you, if anything ever happened to her. And I have honored that request to the best of my ability. We may not be as financially set as some of your relatives, but I have tried to give you a stable and loving home to grow up in.
I am proud of so many things you do; your art, your grades, your ability to make and keep friends, The fact that you are becoming a young woman, who is conscious of politics, world issues, and that you are independent in your thinking. I've tried to teach you to be responsible, and to have good values, make your own choices based on fact. I hope I have taught you well. These are things you will need in the grown-up world.
I know I am away at work, a lot. And I feel guilty about that, most of the time. I tried to always be there for you, when you were younger, but you probably don't need me much now, anyway. You have become your own person, But I am here if you need me.
I know you can be successful at whatever you choose to do with your life. If you want it bad enough, you'll find a way to achieve it. You've said that you don't believe in God, but I do. I have prayed for you every day or your life, and will continue to do so. I wish you all the success you deserve, and hope you live a happier more fulfilling life than me or your parents.

All my love,
grandma