Why?

HL2HouseMD (1:19:48 AM): you'll take anyone's love

HL2HouseMD (1:20:03 AM): but everyone who was ever with you isn't anymore

That one hit me deep.

I Don't Wanna Be Like This, I've Got Nothin' It's True But This Song Now..

I really wish I knew what was bothering me so much. I just feel so FUCKED UP again, and I can't figure out why exactly. I think it's a compilation of a lot of things. The drinking, pot, and excessive smoking I'm sure aren't helping. I think Bernice gave up trying to care two alcohol bottles and a few packs of cigarettes ago. Yet, she still stops to say "I love you, good night" every evening. Like FUCK, it's KILLING me that I can't figure out what the FUCK is wrong with me. Right now I feel like I want to explode, I need to fucking get away but can never seem to escape anything. I've even run out of fucking words. I used to be able to write. I used to be able to think clearly. Now I can't think at all. I give up.

My Name Is Bastard, Son.

Well, today I can say that I was more enraged than ever. This week has been horrible. Aside from Luke breaking it off, today I discovered that someone stole my ipod.. I was absolutely livid. That is my most prised possession, and now it is gone. I am just irate. It took every ounce of my being to hold back my tears. I had it in fourth period, then put it in my locker in fifth. When I went down to get my money for lunch, I noticed the pen cap from my locker was removed but my dumb self did not think much of it. So, come ninth period, I go to grab my ipod -- and headphones, obviously -- and it's gone. I flipped my SHIT. That cost me a lot of money. I am so fed up with people. I hate people, I hate IC, I want to leave so badly. All I have been getting from everyone all day are negative comments, making me feel more alone than ever. On top of that, I have been feeling so sick all day: my head aches, and my stomach has been bothering me. I am just waiting for this week to get worse..

Last night I was in a pretty bad mood as well. As soon as I became single, five guys -- who I once considered friends -- started talking to me again like they hadn't stopped or anything. It really aggravated me. This is yet another reason why I hate people. And, also, tonight I have to work until eleven. Joy. At least I do not have school tomorrow. I would die. I promise, if I ever find out who took my ipod, I will personally beat the living shit out of them, hopefully hospitalizing him or her. People should really learn NOT to fuck with me. I don't care if I get kicked out of that hell hole.. I would like that, actually. I mean a person can only take so much before he or she snaps.

Again, it's back to this.. I just need someone. Anyone. I may revert to my old ways.. It was a long, cold winter.. I have a feeling this is going to be the same.

100th Post -- If only it could be a good one.

I have noticed a trend. For the past God knows how many years, I have been quite close to miserable around and on my birthday. I really do not know why. Maybe it has something to do internally with the day? That would make no sense since I had been looking foreword to it for months. But suddenly, I have become quite sullen and just do not care again.

I'm tired of being alone.

You're Worth More Than This.

All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, no expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very, very

Mad World

Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday

And I feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson

Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very, very

Mad World

Mad World

Enlarging your world

Mad World.

One of the most beautiful songs ever written, in my opinion. Others would disagree strongly with me. Right now I just don't know what to do. I just swallowed ten pills all at once.. and it's funny, because I know they are not going to do anything for me. I went to the pep rally tonight with Danielle and Amanda, and we met up with Joe. It was supposed to be a good night -- then again, aren't they all meant to be good? Anyways.. I decided to give Luke a text. He asked if I could call him, but I had to wait until the pep rally was over. So when I finally called him, I got the fucking fantastic news. I feel so bad for him, and I myself am a little upset that it's rolled over to affect me as well. His father is a psychopathic fuck, I'll say that. He's making Luke quit the band -- that actually has amazing potential, he's grounding him -- preventing him from seeing his brother who he loves and misses this weekend, and finally, he's making him break up with me. Now I have a feeling there is more to it than that. But, I don't care. I'm just sick of it all. I can't seem to make it with anyone. It's also ironic that the INSTANT I walked into my room and turned on the light, it burned out. It's like I'm radiating pure negative emotion. I can't even put on name on how I feel.. other than like utter shit.

I was looking around online earlier at random things that had to do with psychology, and I stumbled upon BPD -- Borderline Personality Disorder. It seems to describe me a little better than straight-up depression. But, Dr. C. has already diagnosed me months and months ago. He also seems to be rather closed-minded for a psychiatrist. Anyways, I don't really feel like typing out all about BPD so I'll like it:http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml.

I am going back to counseling. I am going to try to take my medication more regularly, though it does nothing, seemingly. I really, really just need someone. I NEED someone. I NEED someone who can give me what I have been looking for.. stability. I NEED someone who won't in any form abandon me, intentionally or not. I NEED someone I can call at any hour of the day, talk to for hours without running out of things to say, and know that they're listening and caring. Fuck. I am just sick of everything at this point. I'm not so distraught as I have been at points, nothing major has happened. Just another small importunate event to add to the list.

I wish I could talk about all this without sounding like an idiot. That's why counseling failed last time. And I could never think of anything to say. I don't want to expose everything, which is what I am going to need to do in order to get better.

I just want to take the easy way out.

What's The Speed Of Dark?

Things are going to happen. Bad things. it's coming. Things are going to change. I can feel it, everywhere. It is visible in everyone. It is all coming to an end..

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad.. The dreams of which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

This is it.