You're Worth More Than This.

All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, no expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very, very

Mad World

Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday

And I feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson

Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very, very

Mad World

Mad World

Enlarging your world

Mad World.

One of the most beautiful songs ever written, in my opinion. Others would disagree strongly with me. Right now I just don't know what to do. I just swallowed ten pills all at once.. and it's funny, because I know they are not going to do anything for me. I went to the pep rally tonight with Danielle and Amanda, and we met up with Joe. It was supposed to be a good night -- then again, aren't they all meant to be good? Anyways.. I decided to give Luke a text. He asked if I could call him, but I had to wait until the pep rally was over. So when I finally called him, I got the fucking fantastic news. I feel so bad for him, and I myself am a little upset that it's rolled over to affect me as well. His father is a psychopathic fuck, I'll say that. He's making Luke quit the band -- that actually has amazing potential, he's grounding him -- preventing him from seeing his brother who he loves and misses this weekend, and finally, he's making him break up with me. Now I have a feeling there is more to it than that. But, I don't care. I'm just sick of it all. I can't seem to make it with anyone. It's also ironic that the INSTANT I walked into my room and turned on the light, it burned out. It's like I'm radiating pure negative emotion. I can't even put on name on how I feel.. other than like utter shit.

I was looking around online earlier at random things that had to do with psychology, and I stumbled upon BPD -- Borderline Personality Disorder. It seems to describe me a little better than straight-up depression. But, Dr. C. has already diagnosed me months and months ago. He also seems to be rather closed-minded for a psychiatrist. Anyways, I don't really feel like typing out all about BPD so I'll like it:http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml.

I am going back to counseling. I am going to try to take my medication more regularly, though it does nothing, seemingly. I really, really just need someone. I NEED someone. I NEED someone who can give me what I have been looking for.. stability. I NEED someone who won't in any form abandon me, intentionally or not. I NEED someone I can call at any hour of the day, talk to for hours without running out of things to say, and know that they're listening and caring. Fuck. I am just sick of everything at this point. I'm not so distraught as I have been at points, nothing major has happened. Just another small importunate event to add to the list.

I wish I could talk about all this without sounding like an idiot. That's why counseling failed last time. And I could never think of anything to say. I don't want to expose everything, which is what I am going to need to do in order to get better.

I just want to take the easy way out.