They've Got Me On The Outside Looking In, But I Can't See At All.

First that time, now this time? I don't even want to know what he would do if he found out.

Don't Blink, They Won't Even Miss You At All.

So lately I can't sleep, I can't think, all of those lovely things. I felt free to carve-up both my arms with nice little reminders of who I am. So I had the doctor paged and I went to see him today. I'm not sure if this outcome will be good or bad. They say be careful what you wish for.. I've learned that the hard way. He finally took me off the Lamictal. After next week, I'm not going to have to take that nasty, bile, shit again. Now he's keeping me on the Wellbutrin and adding a new medication, Depakote. I'm a little iffy about this.. there are pros and cons to it.

Pros:

Mood stabilizer.

Used for migraine prevention.

Cons:

Side effects can be weight gain, hair loss, insomnia, and depression.

- Why the HELL would he put me on a medicine to treat my depression if one of the side effects can be depression? A bit contradictory, if you ask me. Same with the insomnia; I can't sleep as it is.

Reacts with aspirin.

I'm beginning to think either I AM bipolar, or he thinks I am bipolar, because this again is a medicine for seizures and the manic stage of bipolar disorder. So, maybe I have manic-depression? It's possible. It would make a hell of a lot of sense. I mean, bipolar disorder is prevalent in my family as it is. Either way.. doesn't matter I guess. I just hope this works out.

So, now, I'll be on 1000mgs of Depakote and 500mgs of Wellbutrin, I think.

A new chapter lies ahead?

I See You As You Are; I See You're Transparent.

So it's finally starting to fade, which is good. It takes up the majority of my forearm -- the one that was clean up until now -- which is good because it's going to be hot out soon and I will not enjoy long sleeves. I always hope things like this scar, just as a reminder. A reminder that I am alone. There isn't anyone truley here. It has always been like that, and I promise, it always will be.

GOD I'm an ASSHOLE.

I'm Sorry It Took You This Long Just To See That I'm Rolling And Rolling Around In My Mind.

Seriously? I'm considering going to counseling or something again. Like this is just plain becoming unbearable like it used to me. He just keeps raising the dose of this STUPID medication and it does NOTHING. I mean c'mon, if I'm on a bunch of disgusting, expensive pills, they should at least work. But I don't exactly consider crying every single fucking day "happy." Fuck. I mean I don't know what to do anymore. There's only so much that CAN be done. I'm fucking sick of it all. I really can't live with this constant feeling. It's a horrible mix of self-hatred, isolation, emptiness, and god knows what else. I feel as though everyone hates me. I refuse to believe a word that anyone tells me. I can't have something good happen without something horrible coming after it. I've become horrid with people. Like, I don't know what's come over me. The only explanation I have is this, really: Almost every single person i have every loved or cared about has left me, whether it be through death or just pure ignorance or any other reason. It shows me how much people don't give a FUCK about anyone or anything but themselves. Right when I think I have great friends, bam. It stops. It's been like this, on and off, my entire life. No, actually, nevermind. I didn't even HAVE friends until what, eighth grade? And there I had one? better than nothing. Anyways, as a result, I'm unintentionally crude, mean, and ugh I don't even know towards others. It's kind of like a protection in a way? It's like I have it hammered in my head that I'm alone and no one is going to be here; they're all going to leave. So, to avoid that pain, I push them away early on so i won't get attatched to him or her. I HATE that about me. It seriously just fucks me over. Like the one question I can ask is "Why?" Like seriously. I know, I'm just another fucking teenager complaining about shit and I should get the fuck over it but you know the fuck what? It's real for ME; it's difficult for ME; and I don't give a fuck who cares, takes me seriously, thinks I'm overdramatic, or any of that shit. If there's a God, I think he got bored one day and said "Hey! I've got an idea. Let's pick someone and fuck over his of her life, I'm fuckin' bored." Blah. I just WISH people could live in my mind for one lonely day. Just one single day. They would go insane. Snapping from contented to excited to disappointed to furious to horribly depressed all within one minute? Have fun with that, fuckers! Have fun swimming around -- more like drowning -- in my endless pool of thoughts about damn near everything. Have fun laying in bed at night crying over shit that you just can't seem to deal with. Have fun having to try to hum, sing, blast music, cover your ears, whatever to try to drown out all the contradictions running through your mind.

I just need to relax. Give in or something. I'm so tense right now, I'm breathing hard, I can feel the heat rising off me, I can feel my heart pulse all through my body. Say hello to stress up the asshole. I just want to be HAPPY. People tell me to suck it the fuck up and just be happy! be calm! Be mellow! My own fucking father made me want to punch him in the face by going on about how "depression is a bunch of bullshit, you're sad, get over it, yadda yadda yadda." Basically saying "Look at me! I'm an IGNORANT FUCKING DOPED UP ALCOHOLIC POLLAK WITH NO GODDAM FUTURE." I hope he can't sleep at night. I don't even know what to say anymore, about anything. I'm just plain done.

It's Not Fair And I Think You're Really Mean.

You know, all my problems lately, and for a long time I guess, have revolved around people. I don't know why they affect me so much. Then again, humans are natually social beings, and generally need people to function properly. Part of me has the mindset, still, "I don't need people, I don't need people.." because c'mon, they're not really helping with anything. I don't want to sound all "emo" and shit because I despise this line, but I really feel like no one gets it; no one gets me; no one understands me. It's difficult for me to put my emotions into words. Little things haven't been able to affect me this easily or badly in a while, but I guess different actions or words from different people tend to cut deeper than others. Seriously, I know I have a bit of a problem. It's like my vision is limited to see only the bad that I want to see, half because of my life experiences and run-ins with people, half because society basically promotes it. I kind of wish I could see in myself what some others see in me. Maybe that would help. I also wish I had a psychiatrist who supported me and tried to help me himself instead of just relying on pills and telling me that I'm socially retarded and fucked for life. I don't know why I have friends, really. I'm an asshole, I'm sarcastic, I complain constantly. I get all depressed and do this, which is fucking annoying, even to myself. Like now I'm past the feeling of needing to know that someone loves me. If anyone cares about me that much, they're foolish, honestly. Well, there was another rant about the same old thing. How interesting of a person I am! 

I'm beginning to hate again.