I'm Sorry It Took You This Long Just To See That I'm Rolling And Rolling Around In My Mind.

Seriously? I'm considering going to counseling or something again. Like this is just plain becoming unbearable like it used to me. He just keeps raising the dose of this STUPID medication and it does NOTHING. I mean c'mon, if I'm on a bunch of disgusting, expensive pills, they should at least work. But I don't exactly consider crying every single fucking day "happy." Fuck. I mean I don't know what to do anymore. There's only so much that CAN be done. I'm fucking sick of it all. I really can't live with this constant feeling. It's a horrible mix of self-hatred, isolation, emptiness, and god knows what else. I feel as though everyone hates me. I refuse to believe a word that anyone tells me. I can't have something good happen without something horrible coming after it. I've become horrid with people. Like, I don't know what's come over me. The only explanation I have is this, really: Almost every single person i have every loved or cared about has left me, whether it be through death or just pure ignorance or any other reason. It shows me how much people don't give a FUCK about anyone or anything but themselves. Right when I think I have great friends, bam. It stops. It's been like this, on and off, my entire life. No, actually, nevermind. I didn't even HAVE friends until what, eighth grade? And there I had one? better than nothing. Anyways, as a result, I'm unintentionally crude, mean, and ugh I don't even know towards others. It's kind of like a protection in a way? It's like I have it hammered in my head that I'm alone and no one is going to be here; they're all going to leave. So, to avoid that pain, I push them away early on so i won't get attatched to him or her. I HATE that about me. It seriously just fucks me over. Like the one question I can ask is "Why?" Like seriously. I know, I'm just another fucking teenager complaining about shit and I should get the fuck over it but you know the fuck what? It's real for ME; it's difficult for ME; and I don't give a fuck who cares, takes me seriously, thinks I'm overdramatic, or any of that shit. If there's a God, I think he got bored one day and said "Hey! I've got an idea. Let's pick someone and fuck over his of her life, I'm fuckin' bored." Blah. I just WISH people could live in my mind for one lonely day. Just one single day. They would go insane. Snapping from contented to excited to disappointed to furious to horribly depressed all within one minute? Have fun with that, fuckers! Have fun swimming around -- more like drowning -- in my endless pool of thoughts about damn near everything. Have fun laying in bed at night crying over shit that you just can't seem to deal with. Have fun having to try to hum, sing, blast music, cover your ears, whatever to try to drown out all the contradictions running through your mind.

I just need to relax. Give in or something. I'm so tense right now, I'm breathing hard, I can feel the heat rising off me, I can feel my heart pulse all through my body. Say hello to stress up the asshole. I just want to be HAPPY. People tell me to suck it the fuck up and just be happy! be calm! Be mellow! My own fucking father made me want to punch him in the face by going on about how "depression is a bunch of bullshit, you're sad, get over it, yadda yadda yadda." Basically saying "Look at me! I'm an IGNORANT FUCKING DOPED UP ALCOHOLIC POLLAK WITH NO GODDAM FUTURE." I hope he can't sleep at night. I don't even know what to say anymore, about anything. I'm just plain done.