This Isn't Easy, Easy To Notice...

It's crossed my mind before, but I never fully acknowledged and accepted that I am a very needy person. All I want is to be loved. I just need to KNOW 100% that someone is there for me. I don't need to worry constantly. People just hurt me too damn often. But things are better when I have someone. It makes things easier. I always said that life is too short for regrets. Why sweat what's over and done with? But thinking now, I would go back. I would change some things. Make a few different choices. Maybe then things would work out like I wanted them too. I threw away the best thing to ever happen to me over brief contentness? How fickle is that. I never really thought about it coming to an end. And of it.

Oh goodie, I love it when my friends decide not to like me anymore. This is exactly what fuels my paranoia. Fuck.

Truth Be Told I Miss You, And Truth Be Told I'm Lying.

What is it with my luck? Whenever I find a guy who I like and who likes me, he always kind of stops talking to me out of nowhere. It drives me crazy. And it's a bit depressing. Eh, whatever. This just gets hard to shrug off after a while. It also gets very annoying. Like, it eats at me because I don't know what I did to make them just stop talking to me. I just tend to drive people away. Isn't that just the greatest quality? Eh, fuck this.

Here's A Letter For You, But The Words Get Confused And The Conversation Dies.

Eh, I don't know why I feel alone again. I mean, I should be happy, right? I have friends, kind of. Some of them hate me, but you win some, you lose some I suppose. There's too much shit in the back of my mind to bring out and talk about. And seriously, I just got the biggest fucking surge of anger right now. I don't need people, man. Fuck it.

Take A Photograph, It'll Be The Last.

Do you ever get the feeling that your friends hate you?

i get it far too often. the ONE and only person who I know 100% will always be there for me is Nicole Lynn Cannan. There are a few others right now who I know still care about me. But I've always been this way. I just constantly think people are sick of me because I'm annoying or have done something wrong. Eh, I'm convinced it has something to do with my childhood. I'm a fan of Maslow's theory. I've always had social problems, hard core. When I went to my psychiatrist a while ago, he basically told me that I would have relationship [general] problems my whole life. How fortunate! I've had this issue for as long as I can remember. I was quite the annoying child, and basically even in early grade school, i was ostracized. I was always the odd one out. The third wheel. I'm always paranoid that people are mad at me or annoyed by me because I did something wrong. Just when I start to feel comfortable with people, this happens, which worsens my situation. I'm just a little sick of sitting alone at lunch I guess.

Hmm, I feel like writing but I don't have anything to write about. I mean I'm sure I have a lot, but It's all kind of belated and out-dated, which makes my memory foggy. Oh yeah, retreat.

So since freshman year I was dreading retreat. I mean I was okay with it this year, just a little annoyed that it's this Jesus camp type thing. To my suprise though, it really wasn't so bad. I'm going to go next year. We played games, the staff was nice. We had to climb the wall...oh gosh. I hate being picked up. I feel SO fat when it happens. Kary went first, then Jason shouted "Strzezewski!" and I got pushed up to the front. We had small groups. Mine had Roxanne, Nico, Joe, Gloria, Matt M, Erin, and Tommy. It wasn't so bad. The services and such were annoying but whatever. Eddy wrote me a retreat letter...it made me cry hard core. Oh, the food was amazing. They had vegan burgers, ground beef, chicken patties, and breakfast sausage for me. It was fuckin' sweet, haha. All in all, it wasn't bad.

Fin!

Crack A Bottle, Let Your Body Waddle.

I will never as long as I live understand the human mind. It fascinates me so much. It's near impossible for me to comprehend why people do the things they do.

I find it amusing and sad at the same time that people can downtalk their friends SO much and SO badly, but still care about them and chill with them at the same time. People are so contradictory. It's almost like we have the physical and mental need to openly judge and pick out the flaws of others. I mean, sometime I hear so much shit about other people. I hear it at work: gossip. I hear it amongst my friends: downtalk. It's everywhere. Whenever one person leave the room, the building, or the car, the rest of the people instantly complain: "what's with him? He's so annoying. Did you see the shit he pulled? Why is he so pissed off? He is always pissy. What a fucking liar. Did you hear about..." etc. And I just sit there and remain silent, taking it all in and sort of filtering it and sorting it out in my mind. It kind of makes me wonder what they say about me when I am out of earshot. I know without a doubt that people trash-talk me all the time, I'm just the kind of person whose actions would be discussed about. I do not really think much of it though. If I did, I would be beyond stressed constantly. So, I don't worry about what people say about me or think about me. I sometimes wonder who my real friends are, but I think I have decided that I don't need real friends. I just need a good time. Not the best outlook, but hey, I need to have that feeling of "happy."' The ignorant kind of happy, not the real kind. Ignorant is good enough for me for the time being, though. 

All I know it right now, I need alcohol and sex. What feels better?

Then I can be a shit talker, and I can be more shit-talked about.

And I will have more to think about on my spare time.

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