If My Greatest Fear Paints Itself So Crystal Clear, Will I Run Away Or Will I Hide?

So, I don't know how long this "pretending I'm happy" thing is gonna last. I tell myself I'm happy because yeah, I have fun. I've just learned to ignore the pain. I;ve grown a bit colder, if I do say so. I can't decipher if it's a good thing or a bad thing yet. I do find it saddening, however, that I have learned to disreguard and drown out my empathetic side. It is such a good quality to posess, and it made me such a sweet person at a point. But nlow when I think of everything I have said and done lately to certain people, I just get this low feeling in the pit of my stomach. I never used to be this way. I would always stop and consider.. "how would I feel if this was happening to me?" It honestly makes me want to cry when I think about what I'm putting people through.. I have felt the way they felt, I have been in their position. And I remember being treated this way. I never gave up, but wow, it hurt. When I see the pain in their eyes, I internally smack myself. But then, I end up shrugging it off and pretending it never happened. I don't know how I live with myself now, really. I just keep believing that I'm happy, and then problem solved. Kind of. Now that I think of it, this blog is the only place where I can actually admit that I'm not happy. I can unleash my emotions. I've literally trained myself not to do that, even when I'm alone with my thoughts now. One would think it useful, yes? I find it vaguely upsetting... I don't know. If ignorance is bliss, man, I'm in paradise. 

I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for it to be like this. 

You'll never read this, but I want to apologize for everything.

When I tell it to you in words, you shake them off in a disbelieving manner.

One of the reasons I think I've adopted this outlook / current "way of life," is because I'm tired of being the vulnerable one who's always being shot down, feeling dejected. I know my "friends" are tired with me. I know I've pulled some shit. I feel as if no one really truely cares for me, not even my own family. People tell me they do, yes, but their actions say otherwise.

Wow.. now I know just how you're feeling. But the difference between you and me is that once I leave this webpage, everything just kind of goes away until I return.

My sentiments hadn't really been thought about until I decided to come on this site the other day, anyways. Reading these posts, I don't know. To anyone, they would probably look like rediculous, overdramatic, stupid teenage issues. And I'm sure they are. But I remember feeling the pain. I remember the long hours, the never-ending thoughts and questions. I remember the confusion, lonliness, fear, all those fucking emotions I leaked all over. I've just locked them away now. Fuck it. Meh, I know this is gonna come back and bite me in the ass or something sooner or later, but whatever. I don't give a fuck.