Share With Me Those Secrets That You've Kept In, Because It's Cold Inside..

Eh. I have too many mood swings. I over think everything / think too much.

Last night was all right. After school I showered & such and then Tommy took me to Nicole's house. We ended up going to Ian's house. there were a lot of people there, but i was all good. Long story short, we chilled, smoked, and left. Well, Nikki didn't smoke up. But I did. Moving on, We went home and Tommy came and chilled. Hence, a fun evening.

Today was a good day for the most part. I slept over at Nicole's. At around 230 we went over to the trailer park to meet up with Cody and Dillon. So we chilled in the cold for a while. Then we walked back to Nicole's house. On the way I was attacked. Cody a

nd Dillon had their arms behind me and Nikki, and they were running, and I ended up falling down lmao. Anyways, we got back to her place and Tommy came. We ended up watching Clerks 2. Basically, the movie consisted of Dillon and I holding hands, which was nice. He also stroked my arm and leg for a while, laying on me. But it was nice.

I feel weird. I like Dillon a lot. He's only 14 haha. But, age is only a number. He's so adorable lmao. It's cool that he likes me. But, it's bums me out. He lives in Mt. Prospect. I live in Berkeley. Hence, nothing's going to come out of it. Depressing. I wish I lived out there. I love all the people. I love Nicole and Tommy. Her friends are amazing. People a

ctually like me out there. Over here, no one likes me. Bums me out as well. Whatever. Nothing good comes out of anything for me.

Speaking of which, blah, i'm fucking things up with Eddy. Which, once again, makes me a little sad. I feel bad that I left without saying a word to him. And that he had no one to go to the concert with. He was so excited, so happy. He had his ticket and everything. A $50 ticket, and for nothing. I still feel bad about it. He's rarely happy like that. So today he called me and wanted to see me, because he missed me. But I stayed in Mt. Prospect all day. He called me once, but I was with everyone and Dillon was yelling in my ear, so he hung up. 

Now he won't talk to me.

Moving on, yet another topic of depression. Eddy is going to war, as I have stated, by the end of the year. This is the last year I have with him, and then he's gone. I've been fucking this up, over something that is going to get me nowhere. I'm so repetetive with my worries and thoughts. Again & also, Tommy is leaving as well. I can't remember if I wrote about this in one of my previous update or not. But whatever. He was talking about it, and it just makes me so sad. He feels like one of my best friends, someone who I've known for a long time. I don't understand it, but it isn't a bad thing at all. He's so much fun. 

It's weird, because Nicole was upset due to what her mother brought up. Her mom was telling her that Tommy and I liked eachother, because we were like best friends now, and I talk to him way more than she does. Idk, I feel bad for her. She deserves treu happiness without worries. 

Snap.

Let's play the game where we run into trains,

We'll jump on the tracks and defile our brains.

I can picture it now: the scene is a mess,

But in my mind rests the image of finesse.

It's success, we've moved on, i hear the crying now,

The emotions retrogress, the tears are pouring down.

It's the sound, it's profound! It's significant to hear.

No more worries, no more anger,

No more pain, and no more fear.

Emotions are gone as the freedom arrise,

No longer caged in, I can open my eyes.

I can see all the people, still suffering there.

I can see that I caused them unnerving despare.

I can see that they cared; I can see that they're scared.

And now I can see my own regret;

It hovers above me like an ominous threat.

It serves as a warning, a little too late,

As it couldn't be seen in my former state;

I just wasn't searching,

I was too busy hurting,

And abiding my time 'till the fateful date.

Yes, I ignored the warning,

I alone will take the blame,

Yes, the ending was no less than all my fault

For it was I who chose to play the game.

So Fuckin' Blow Those Words Out The Back Of Your Head.

I don't think whether all of this is making me colder or defeating me slowly. I've been slowly falling apart, in a way, and i'm near defeated. You know, if I ever have feelings for someone, they manage to tell me things. They manage to make me feel special. They make me feel hopeful. They make me feel in general.. And then, it all comes back like a smack to the face. I mean like, WOW. I can't believe a word anyone tells me anymore. The word "love" at this point is meaningless. I'll accept it as a compliment, but not as sincerity, no, never again. I just want SOMEONE. I thought I found someone.. He was good. He was smart. He related to me. He held me tightly. He would call just to say goodnight. And then, he just kind of stopped. Then ignorantly tells me that he's found the best girlfriend who he's been looking for his whole life. I repeat: a smak to the face. How can one be so bluntly cold? Love? No. Everything lately is messing up. I don't know what I'm going to do next year. There is so much on my shoulders right now. I'm ruining my last year with the person who has made the most impact on me in my life. The person who has been there for me. The one who introduced "love" to me. That has changed, though. You don't abuse someone you love. But again, because I truley care about my other half, I will accept it as a compliment. He'll be gone next year. I'll be alone. I don't want to think about this anymore. I have cried too many times in one week.

Hand me the gun. Serve me the bullets on a silver plate.

Stick a fork in me; I'm done.

Like A Stab To The Heart

So Eddy loves me, but doesn't want to be with me.

which hurts

Tim "loves me," but has not talked to me since we hung out.

which hurts.

Tommy liked me, but he asked Nicole out today.

which hurts.

It all just kind of hurts.

And now I know how pretty I am not,

How unlucky I am,

How much a burdon I am to people.

I am not skinny enough.

I will never be.

I am not pretty enough.

I will never be.

I am not smart enought.

I will never be.

Should I give up right now?

Because I think I may have to.