Oh?

deleted.

King Of Hearts.

Who were you there with?
Cause' I swear I've seen him before..
Though in the distance, I just turn my head away.
We parted clinging to the same trends, 
Makes sense to a girl who cries at least twice a day, cause she's unhappy.

We could of made it. A couple of deep breaths..
There was a light, we could of reached it, there was a light.
Though all this pain and aggrivation,
Causes me to feel that I, was just a card dealt out of spite.
Well I called your bluff..

Get with it, get with it,
Did you think that I was blind enough to not realize?
Well better luck next, better luck next guy.
Why was it, why was it, everytime that we would have it out you wouldn't cry?
You'd just place your bet, make the call, go run and hide.

Who were you there with?
Cause' I smell him on your skin.
Though in an instant, i just turn my face in shame.
Now on the edge of demonstration,
A suspicious feel that I was just a card dealt out of spite.
Well I called your bluff...

Get with it, get with it,
Did you think that I was blind enough to not realize?
Well better luck next, better luck next guy.
Why was it, why was it, everytime that we would have it out you wouldn't cry?
You'd just place your bet, make the call, go run and hide.

My heart isn't broken, 
and I'm not dead...

Shadows All Around You As You Surface From The Dark..

Well, my dreams certainly have been vivid lately. This one came out of nowhere. I can usually determine why I dreampt about certain things, but I cannot decipher this one. It was just odd and vaguely amusing in a weird way. Basically, I was with this hispanic family [I think] and we ended up on this rocky island in a storm. I would be on a tiny boat thing every so often in sea during the raging storm. But anyways, we climed up the mountain on this path.. this woman was waiting for us. When we got in the house, idk it was weird. She had a son for sure, and I think a daughter.. I'm not 100% sure. I know her kids were in the dining room though. There was also a tall man idk. So the son was in the dining room like I said, and the table was broken and the room trashed. The man was yelling a lot and then left. Like, I had a weird feeling about the woman. Then she like told us she was like from nazi germany or something.. hence hatred for the spanish woman and family i was with. So then this woman just broke out into a story about how she had tried murdering her husband and drove him away to marry this man [who was yelling, but had stormed out]. So then she had discovered her husband floating on a scrap of wood from a distance and she begged him to come back out of desperity. 

Then I woke up.

So, today is not starting out so well. I had a regretful last night. Then this morning when I got up, I felt okay. I shrugged it all off, and had a nice breakfast. Then I got online...

Tim IM'd me. This is how the convo went:

HL2HouseMD (1:31:25 PM): hey

HL2HouseMD (1:31:27 PM): lets hang

HL2HouseMD (1:31:28 PM): right now

epth x33 (1:31:56 PM): lol right now?

HL2HouseMD (1:31:58 PM): yeah

epth x33 (1:32:03 PM): i like JUST got up.

HL2HouseMD (1:32:14 PM): can I come over?

epth x33 (1:32:21 PM): & when my grandma comes home, we're leaving.

epth x33 (1:32:58 PM): normally, yeah you could. but idk when she'll be home.. i'm assuming soon bcus she's working for my neighbor today, meaning she'll be done before two. o.o

HL2HouseMD (1:33:12 PM): wanna just come to my place?

epth x33 (1:33:53 PM): lol, i just said when she gets home we be leaving.. i'm spose to go to this hair place in franklin park with hurrr

HL2HouseMD (1:34:18 PM): oh

HL2HouseMD (1:34:34 PM): cool, so were probably not going to hang out

epth x33 (1:35:11 PM): today, yeah. but if you're good for the rest of break i mean i'm sure we can. blah. i know 'm busy today, tomorrow, this weekend and monday. but i think thats it.

HL2HouseMD (1:36:42 PM): You can't even say I'm not putting forth all the effort I can to see you

epth x33 (1:37:10 PM): i didn't! i know you are!

HL2HouseMD (1:39:15 PM): Honestly though, do you even want to see me?

HL2HouseMD (1:39:30 PM): I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm willing to drop all my shit for you

HL2HouseMD (1:39:50 PM): yet you don't have time for me, and if you do have time, you're with someone else

HL2HouseMD (1:40:59 PM): and tomorrow you're going to be tripping all day

HL2HouseMD (1:41:09 PM): the weekend is shit

HL2HouseMD (1:41:34 PM): and monday, the rest of the world doesn't have spring break

epth x33 (1:42:10 PM): i know you're willing to do anything. which is why i feel bad. cus idk, you haven't wanted to see me for a long period of time, but i've missed you, and have wanted to see you. which is why i feel bad.. ugh. like idk what to say right now. i know whatever i say, you're just gonna yell at me some more. btw, i work all weekend, which is why i'm busy for the majority of the day. yeah, i know the rest of the world don't have break. idk just yell at me some more or whatever i deserve it.

HL2HouseMD (1:45:03 PM): I'm not yelling at you, I just want the truth

HL2HouseMD (1:45:33 PM): if you don't want to see me, just tell me so I don't waste my time

He has a point, but to an extent. I am just nervous to see him. I don't know. I told him flat out yesterday that I didn't feel like hanging out. So I'm not making excuses up. When I don't wanna chill, I say it.

But basically, he is going to end up making me cry probably by the end of the hour. Oh, lovely.

You Can Make It Out: You Will Live To Tell.

So, I want to write about a bunch of things, but since I know people now have access to this, I'm forced to suppress my thoughts and feelings, unfortunately. 

The bottom line is, basically, Lust is one of the Deadliest sins.

It's Not What I Took From You, It's Not What I Stole... We Are Born Like This.

So, doesn't it kind of scream something when someone only messages you or contacts you when they want something? Especially sex? A red flag goes up, I know. It tells me: you are an OBJECT. He doesn't care about you as a person: he cares about your body. And yet I am still drawn in, ignoring all the signs. Oh well, I just have issues like that. It's inevitable anyways, I may as well accept it. I don't know why some people see my as an object. I'm not "smokin' hot" or anything. Eh, whatever. Seems to be my motto lately I guess. just not caring. Anyways..

Grandma Fox died today, this morning. I am always the last person to find out everything. Even fucking Lillian knew before me and she isn't even related to Grandma. Eh, don't matter. I just hope Bernice isn't depressed for a long time. It will reflect on me. That's just what I need. On top of school, emotions, and work, I don't need to deal with her. I have sever depression, says my stupid little papers. And her being miserable it bound to reflect on me.

So, this just raises the count more. Let me see... I'm going to try to do this in order, and I will probably miss some. Oh well.

Mom.. who deserved it.

Grandpa.

James Gardener.. I think. I will always know him as Jimminy Cricket.

Uncle Jerry.

Uncle Leo.

Uncle John. [Schoenneman]

Uncle John. [Strzezewski]

Grandma Fox.

And a few more who I was aquainted with and grew to like.

Shit happens, nothing I can do about it.

My Voice Is As Lonely As Loud As I Whisper The Joy Of This Pain...

You know, I'm getting a bit tired of all this nonsense. My trust issues are worsening. I'm on a new medication -- again. I found out that Eddy cheated on me, which is not much of a surprise. I have a horrble temper lately, and It's a bit bothersome. I miss being chill. I think all and all, I am just so sick of living in this dystopia -- yes, I have finally deduced that all my life I have been unknowingly living in a tiresome and depressing dystopia. On a lighter note, I am going on a diet. I really would be so overjoyed to weight roughly 110. I guess that's my goal, although so many people are going to want to smack me. I guess that's all I really have to write about at the moment, so here's to more dysphorias days.

Darkness, Darkness, Everywhere, Do You Feel All Alone?

I just don't understand myself anymore. No more words to describe all this.