If I Had One More Chance, I Would Have Done It Right...

How am i going to keep this secret. It's all my head keeps chanting. I have to write in here, otherwise I will explode. Today was unbearable. Utterly unbearable. He came over, and we got close. In bed, I was trying not to cry because my betrayal was written across his face. He was telling me how much he loved me. This is just all eating away at me, just as I knew it would.

Tim messaged me. It's weird how he always does that. I was looking at his facebook, and he IMed me randomly. Apparently he was looking at mine, as well. He wants to visit next week. I was hesitant about it, but then I thought "all right, this is fine. We can chill for a while." Then he tells me he wants to have sex. He has a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend. I keep questioning him about how heartless one can really get. He says he has never cheated before, but I'm "special."

I know if he comes, I will be weak. Again.

Only this time, it will get worse.

Only this time...

I Know That I Can't Take Back All The Mistakes.

And for once, I have a regret. This is one thing that i will never tell anyone. I feel so guilty. I feel like it's written on my head. I don't know how i'm going to keep this secret. I'm sure when I see his face, it will kill me. I don't know what to do, or how this is going to play out. This is going to eat away at me. I keep pretending this is all a dream, that it never happened.. God. What I was so deathly afraid of what he would do, I did. I never thought i could possibly do it, let it happen. Never ever crossed my mind. I really don't know who I am anymore. I have a horrible, horrible feeling.. I have to keep this inside me. But, love is a powerful force. I don't know. I just don't know. I can't see his face. I burst it out last time after one day, and we weren't even together. I can't tell any of my friends. Once I have told someone, things will get worse. I feel like scum. I can't even type the words. I can't decipher if it really was what it was. Yet, at the same time, i do know.

I can't live with myself like this. If there is a God, please, save my soul.