It Can Not Wait; I'm Yours.

Last night I went to Nicole's house. I was supposed to see Tim for the first time, but he had told me earlier in the day that he could no longer make it. I remember Kat coming over with her boyfriend. ( I think his name might have been Mike? ) So, she dragged us around Des Plaines. During all this, I was watching the time and thinking that I could've been with Tim now, as opposed to running around in the heat with people I didn't even know. Anyways, It was hot, and boring, and not what I wanted to do. I go to Mt. Prospect to be with Nicole, to visit my old, good friend; not to follow around her asshole of a friend. Moving on, Nicole's mother came and picked us up from jewel. Oh wow, right there is when it got horrible. Her mother hates Kat. So when we got in the car, we all smelled of smoke, seeing as we had all obviously been smoking. Farah ( Nicole's mother ) flipped shit. She started screaming at us: "do you all think I'm stupid? You think I'm fucking stupid? Who the fuck is the smoker? You're all fucking stupid -- except you, Emily." That's where the guilt came into play, since I had smoked more than Nicole anyways. Then she started going on about how Kat and her lover shoplifted, and if they got caught, she would be to blame since she would be the adult with them. During this whole ordeal, Kat leaned over and gave me shit, telling me how fucked up it all was, since I wasn't being blamed for anything at all. Well, we dropped off Kat and Mike. Then we headed back to Nicole's house. The ride and the first twenty minutes were hell again. But, after we got back and Farah had cooled off, it started pouring. So Nicole and I ran outside and played in the rain. I missed the steps and fell on my face; I'm so smart. But it was fun. So then, we run to the playground, and see a man underneath the structure. Nicole decided to take it upon herself to engage in conversation, inviting him to come up. So instead, she went down to see him. It was an older man, missing several of his top, front teeth. He had a beer can, and reeked horrible from it. This man was drunk beyond belief. So we started walking away as he explained that he had gotten caught in the rain. So, he asked if we wanted a beer. And then stepped out. "Oh look, it stopped raining. Wait, don't leave! I have to bless you. What's your name?" I came out with Anne, since it's my middle name. And Nicole randomly splurted out Rebecca. The man continued on, telling us to hold out our hands. He grabbed them tightly. He looked at me and asked "N? Anne? Like, Anna, or just Anne?" After he established that, he continued on. "In the name of The Lord -- who is my friend, I bless you!" and shook out hands violently. As he let go, we stuttered that we had to leave, and bolted out of there while laughing our asses off. After that was done, and we were inside, warm and dry, we settled down. We watched TV and chilled online, watching countless YouTube videos. Then the drinking began. We shared three large glasses of Coke and whisky. After that, we decided to finish the bottle of vodka in her fridge staright up. After a few hours, we were gone. Then, I was online and started talking to Tim. We made arrangements to meet the next day, which would have been today, at the school right by his house. He even made me a map to get there from Nicole's house. I was so excited to see him, I stayed up until 9:30am just to make sure I was straight, and not hungover. So, today at around eleven, Tim texts me saying "don't ask... but I'm stuck at my mom's work all day. bogus, right?" I was about to cry I was willing to walk for an hour to get to his house, and then this happened. I was crushed. So then, a while later, Eddy called me. He starts talking about God knows what. And then he started going on about how I made him an angry person. How I'm such a mean girl, and I rubbed off on him. That pushed me. I cried a lot today. A little before that, though, our friend Mike showed up. It was nice to see him; it's been a while. The past two days have been so stressful. I managed to smoke four Marlboros, not to to mention the two I gave to Nicole, and two and a half Newports. I was trying to make my pack last for two weeks. But whatever. The Newport's were amazing though; I'd never had them before. But I'm buying those next time.

So, something that's been eating at me for the past two days: Tim. I'm so insecure right now. I've been used and fucked with a lot, especially lately. That's why I'm so weary about Tim. I've loved him for a long time now . . . and he loves me too . . . so he says. I like to believe him. Maybe I'm gullable, maybe not. I just know I love him so much. So now, it's been bothering me: has he been avoiding me, and cancelling plans? Or am I just that unlucky? I don't really know. I've felt so awful about this. I sent him a message, but he hasn't been online today so I'll have to wait. Whatever. I'm just going to be more crushed if he's been leading me on. He's so sweet, and very smart. I can relate to him better than anyone. I can engage in intellectual conversations. He's a very, very horny person. But, he's still good at heart, down to earth, and unique. I think I love him more than I ever loved Eddy. This is all so strange, because I have never met Tim. I started talking to him about two years ago, when he was still dating Nicole. We clicked, and kept talking ever since. Backtracking a bit, one of the things that helps disprove my theory that he's avoiding me is the fact that he made a little map to his house, as stated above. But, I don't know. Moving on now, though, I just hope this all works out. I can't take any more of this, especially not right now. I can only hope that this is something that works out. Thingas have gona wrong all my life, and right noe, I just want something to go right. Everytime I think that I'm happy, that I've lucked out, that this is my time, I get shot down. Oh well.

Only time can tell.