It's Gotta Be A Flame If You Want To Feel The Burn.

"I need to believe the heart on my sleeve used to be bleeding, but now all my blood's run dry.."

I found a letter the other day when I was digging through a box of old photos, and it struck my interest very much so.. I've decided to try and type it so I can read it more easily. It's scrawled in sloppy cursive and addressed to my mother, and depending on if my assumptions are right -- and I will get to those later -- then my eyes have been opened a little wider. Here is my attempt to correctly copy it: (April 10, 1982)

Dear Kathy,

I'm here at work. Tough job I've got. I've got to sit here in the game room and that's it. I've been partying quite a bit lately. I've got to slow down a little. Last night, a friend of mine tried doing a back flip off the hood of a car and landed on his knees and face. He's got two cracked knee caps. They operated on him this morning. At the emergency room, they emptied his pockets. He had five grams of coke, four joints, and over four hundred dollars in his pockets. The sort of flipped. I've only got three more weeks of school. I'm not sure what I'm going to do this summer. I might move to the coast or to Connecticut. I'm anxious for warm weather. Did you get a foot of snow last week? We did. I was stranded out at school for the night. All the roads in Waterville were closed. I can't wait 'till I can ride my bike again. I spent seven hours just cleaning it and oiling it last week. It's the only means of transportation I can afford right now. I'm planning on making a lot of money this summer (hopefully). I want to buy more camera equipment. The tuition costs at school here are going up from $4000 to $4600, cheap school egh! I get into computer technology next year. This year was just preparatory for next.

Everyone here is doing well. Really not much going on. Mike should be getting out of jail next weekend. -- Party --Hey, why don't you and Danny save a little cash and come off to Maine this summer. We would have the greatest time. It wouldn't cost you much money once you're here. Think about it. Take care.

Love,

Kevin ?

I can't make out the name too well, though I'm almost sure it says Kevin. If this is the same Kevin I'm thinking of, then oh wow. Many things lead me to believe that it is him.

1. "Uncle Kathy." Kevin is my cousin, making my mother his aunt. The obvious..

2. The part about his bike. I don't remember much about Kevin, but I do remember how much he loved to ride his bike, and how he got an arm injury because of it.

3. The age fits pretty perfectly.

4. Kevin & Maine are synonymous.

It just all leads me to believe it is him. But, if that is true, it is also a little sad. I dislike knowing the ones I care about are, or were, involved with drugs. True, that is how the time period was for a long time.. But also, I just feel an overwhelming sense of disappointment. I looked up to Kevin.

I emailed Aunt Nancy asking for his email address the other day. I got it, messaged him, and got a reply. Then I rambled on and threw in a question asking if he ever called my mother Uncle Kathy. I am still anxiously awaiting his reply.

On a lighter note, he had some jokes written at the bottom of his letter too. They're dumb Polish jokes, but never the matter, I'll post them on here too:

"How do you get three Pollacks of a couch?"

- Jerk one off and the other two come.

"What do you call a herd of masturbating cows?"

- Beef Strokinoff.

"Why do they Bury Pollacks face down with their ass sticking out of [the] ground?"

- It gives their friends a place to park their bikes when they come to visit.

Poor Little Tin Man, Still Swingin' His Eyes..

Won't you wait up for me? Life, stop passing me by. Stop leaving me alone to make my own mistakes. I need the time. I just need to hold the ones I love close, and keep my jealousy closer still.

Things are not that bad right now. It's hard to type; I'm in an ambien induced mental coma right now, my brain has shut itself down for the eve. I just spent about two hours with George. It was nice. I really do like him.. he makes me so happy.. which is what I need. Someone to be there for me, and happiness. They do the best job at filling the gaping hole in my forlorn and war torn heart. For now, I think I am content. I still get disciplined for my actions; scolded for my decisions. But, I don't care right now. I could care less, actually. I'm in my own world, and there I am loving it. There are no physical boundaries here. I can be free, and with the ones I care about most. That is my life.

I'm singin' out to the lonely ones tonight.

Latest Ink.

12.04.09.

01.18.10.

No Sun; Just Radiation Here.

So I must admit, I'm a bit tired of being sick. It's been a couple weeks now and it's getting annoying. I don't have a fever, though my body temperature is ridiculously low. My muscles hurt really bad and I've had this cough and congestion. My grandma is all worried I am going to come down with pneumonia, or have bronchitis or something.. but I doubt it. I know I'm going to go to the doctor and just have a sinus infection or a cold or something. I will, however, put money on me being anemic. It's about time I found out anyways.. I have been avoiding the doctor for far too long. But anyways..

I just started back at school on Tuesday, and didn't go Thursday or Friday. Awesome. I promised myself this semester would be better.. I am planning on going to school more than I did first semester, but as mentioned, I've been pretty sick. So whatever. I really want to do good this time, and not fail. Graduating on time would be nice :P. This semester is so much harder. I went from having like four classes to seven or something.. It blows. Although, political science is more fascinating than I thought it would be. But yeah...

I finally got prescribed to Ambien. It works damn well too. I get super high.. all looped out and shit.. and then sleep fine. And I am awake in the morning. It's good. Although on the other hand, it gives me awful and vivid nightmares. A part of me enjoys them -- odd, yes -- but the majority of me doesn't want to sleep because of them.

Right now I am so insanely bored. I wish I had something to write about. I feel like writing, because I adore writing, but am drawing blanks on anything creative. Now I guess I'm just gonna lay down and see if anything comes up tonight.. hopefully it will.. I can't stand the boredom anymore.

I Was This Ship Who Was Too Proud To Ever Sink..

Happy 2010. Wait.. happy? That does not sound like myself.. better just leave it as "Welcome, 2010."

To kiss goodbye to 2009, Corey, Brandon and I decided to do our own little Polar Plunge.. A.K.A. we went skinny dipping in Lake Michigan at 3:30 in the morning on December 31st. It was something, I'll say that. But moving along..

My New Years Eve wasn't bad at all. I did not party like I thought I would be doing, but it was still an enjoyable time. I worked until 10, then Corey took me home. George picked me up at around 12:30 I think, and I went to his house. We split a bottle of champaign and celebrated California's New Year.. at 2am. I was okay with it. We laid around and watched Futurama and Stardust while enjoying some Coors. I must say, the New Years kiss I got this year was far better than last year.. Dana.. sigh.. what a silly drunk I am. Anyways, it was a good night. We stayed up until Jewel opened, then waltzed in there still buzzed to buy some cigarettes. Yep.

Tonight, Eddy came over. We talked about a lot of shit that pissed me off.. it happens. I don't feel like getting into it again. He fucks me up so much. Whatever..

"Just don't end up like your mom..."

Go fuck yourself.