What Did You Possibly Expect Under This Condition?

I can only take so much lonely. I literally feel hollow. I want nothing more than to just run away, to escape. Call me childish. Tell me to grow up. Say, "get over it." Sometimes I feel as though I will literally think myself to death. My mind is just constantly on overdrive. Somebody remind me where the off button is.

I'm just so confused. Once again, I don't know what to do. I can't scream any louder. I can't even whisper. There's no one to hear me. I haven't felt this low in years, and I don't understand why. I've been having the most vivid and destructive anxiety dreams and they're driving me insane. I'm in too deep.

Maybe my doctor was right. I'm probably better off alone. I'll just have to get used to it.
God, even reading this makes me sick. I sound like such a little child, crying out for attention. I'm not looking for pity, though. No one reads this. I know that. I'm looking for solace. Problem is, I think I'm looking in all of the wrong places.

One day I'll find that someone.

People Are Strange When You're A Stranger.

I'm reviving this blog. It's like a diary to me, and considering the circumstances, I could really use an outlet. I don't have anyone to go to about my problems. No one wants to hear me complain about my shitty childhood and never ending battle with depression. I don't blame them. I'm not looking for attention. I'm not looking for pity. I'm just looking for happiness. I'll even settle for contentedness.

I can probably count my friends on one hand, honestly. I try to create and maintain relationships, but it's so difficult. It is not an understatement when I say that my social anxiety and depression have gotten to the point where they're almost debilitating. It's sickening.

Therapy and medicine seem not to help, and that's what scares me the most. I don't tell anyone I am suicidal. It's constantly in my head. I really feel trapped. But if I mention wanting to end my life, I look like a fucking drama queen. I really don't know how long I can handle this. The thing that frightens me the most is the fact that it could all be over so easily. I literally live right next to the train yard. One two minute walk, one fifteen minute wait and it could all be over.

I guess I should consider myself strong for having lasted this long.
I must admit though. I have had such urges to start cutting again. But there's no way to hide it. I don't feel like it's self destructive. The rush, the calming sensation, and the blood. It's all so tempting. I feel that it's my body and I should be able to do whatever I like with it.

I guess for now I'll pop some more pills until the pain dulls.
Never let my smiles fool you.

Tumblr.

http://emabear.tumblr.com/

Go Play In Traffic.

I really wish people would just leave me the fuck alone. I've been getting a myriad of people asking me if I'm going to graduate. They can suck my dick. I keep having people anonymously telling to me get to school, asking me what the fuck my problem is. I don't need their shit. I need them to stay the fuck out of my life. Does me being at school affect them? No, it really fucking doesn't. I would think that they just cared, but now it's just obnoxious and a joke to them. They need to go play in traffic before I blow some fucking heads off.

Maybe I should start taking my medicine again. I mean, I'm on 1650mgs of pills for a reason, right?

I Am The Truth You Couldn't Take; I Am The Mistake.

This week has been interesting. One thing is for sure though: I need to start going to school. Last quarter I missed so much school that when I got my report card, shock set in. It wasn't bad, per say, but when I saw my grades, my face lost its color and my jaw dropped. There were as followed: F, B, A, C, C, I, I. My first reaction was "WHAT THE FUCK IS AN I?" Well, turns out that those are "incompletes." I read the papers in shock, then realized that they did it for my own good. As long as I make up all of my tests by the 26th, I'm good; those grades will be [probably] an A and a B. I thought I was going to be kicked out at first, but no. I'm relieved. School, however, is going to be awkward. Talking to Mr. Field is going to make me feel like shit. I don't know, I'll live though. I can do it.

Moving on to random Adderall-induced topics, though: Life? I think so. It's so amazing. I notice the little things, and often. For example, a lot of people as a whole thing of sex as disgusting and purely physical. And honesty, it is for so many people, which is sad. But I look at it as wow: we were created to fit perfectly together inside each other, to create a connection so powerful and possibly create something more. Sometimes I find myself thinking "hey, this is amazing how two people were designed to fit together and be together," but I digress. This may sound stupid to most of the world, but I don't care; my blog, my voice, my rules.

I'm sure I could write a lot more, seeing as my mind is an open abyss at the moment, but I won't. So for now, goodnight;

Emily Anne.

I Find Myself Making Every Possible Mistake..

Where to even begin.. These past 24 hours have been crazy. It started last night at around 11pm I guess. I was in the shower and Lillian and Feliciti both called me about six times each. I was worried, I thought something was wrong; why else would they be calling me incessantly? Well, I called Lillian back. "Wanna go to a party?" was her oh-so-important message to deliver. I asked grandma if I could leave, and she said no; I could have guessed at much. So after about an hour of begging me, I agreed to sneak out. I climbed out my window and off we went. It turned out the party was over on Rhode at R.J. Latelle's house. There were a bunch of people there who I went to both grade school and high school with, and most of them I knew didn't really care for me. The first half of the night was spent tweaking out. I was so afraid grandma was going to wake up and find me missing. Well, after I chugged about seven beers, my fears were gone; liquid courage for the win, eh? I don't remember much from the party, really. I know I was texting George and my responses quickly turned to nonsense. I remember a lot of smoke breaks. I remember one of the guys pulling his junk out, and I remember walking by and hearing "DAMN SHE GOT A FAT ASS." I should be used to that by now, yes? Anyways... after R.J. stuck his tongue down my cousin's throat, we left. That was around 3. That's where it got bad. I started throwing up in the car, but all over myself -- though I did get some in the car; whoops. She pulled over on Taft and I fell out of her car and started throwing up on someone's lawn. That's where I lost my phone. I wouldn't realize it was gone for a while, though. So when i got home, I have no idea how the hell I got in the window. Lillian said she had to lift my leg up for me, but whatever, I got in. Then i took off my vomit-stained clothing and was waltzing around my house naked.. lovely, I know. I realized my phone was missing so I went to the kitchen and got the house phone, which I proceeded to drop and lost the battery to. Then I fell in the livingroom, fell in the bathroom, fell on my CDs in my room, then collapsed on my bed. I could have swore I closed my window, but I was wrong. This morning is a blur, as I woke up half drunk and very hungover. I remember grandma telling me Bobo was gone; he had jumped out my window. I cried and cried and cried. I threatened to kill myself if he wasn't found in a week. I went outside sobbing, calling his name. I didn't have my phone with me, so I didn't have anyone to comfort me. I called Corey since his number is the only one I have memorized. Then I went on facebook and found Deluca's number and George's. I called them both about eight times, and left a crying message to Mike, asking him to call me back. George didn't call my house phone until around 4pm. All I had wanted to do in the morning though is talk to him; I was distraught. By some miracle, Bernice found Bobo at around 10am. She was walking around the yards calling his name, and finally when she called, he would meow back. Then he came out and ran in her arms. I was so relieved. Now that Bobo was home, I had to tell her about my phone. I said I thought it was in the sewer or something. She called and deactivated it. Then at around 5pm, Feliciti and Lillian found it in the place where I was puking my guts out. I was so relieved, again. Bernice had it activated, then we went and got food -- I managed to keep it down, too. The rest of the day has just been blah. I am so tired and so sore. My neck hurts, my back hurts, and I have a huge, nasty bruise on my hip. I think I did that climbing in last night. Oh well. Everything is back to normal now... Though I have a huge fear of opening my window now. I guess it's a fair price to pay, right? My only worry now is that my piercing is going to get infected from throwing up so much; I'm sure acid doesn't help open wounds. On the bright side, it's pretty healed, so I can only hope it will be fine. Right now I'm just laying in bed, dying of heat though my body temperature is 93.8. I need to get checked out. Sigh. I guess that's all for tonight.

Things That Tick Me Off -- Grocery Store Etiquette.

So, today at work I got to thinking about all the pure crap I put up with from people, and I figured, hey, why not make a blog about it? So that's exactly what I'm doing. I have worked at a grocery store, Jewel-Osco, since the summer of 2008, so I would say I know what the hell I'm doing by now. The following list isn't in any sort of order, they're just typed as they come to mind. Mainly they are little things that just add up to piss me off, but still, these are good tips to know so you no longer enrage your local cashier. So, from a checker's perspective, here we go:

1. (Applying to Jewel stores only) The Name Is Jewel.

The store is not Jewels, not Jewels Osco, not The Jewel(s), not any of those. It is simply Jewel, or Jewel Osco. There is only ONE "s" in the name, and that falls in between the "o" and "c." This common mistake, as mundane and tiny as it may seem, is guaranteed to piss off any Jewel employee in a heart beat, I promise. So please, don't be ignorant: if you're going to say it, say it right. Thank you.

2. Don't complain about the dots.

If you shop at Jewel, Dominick's, or any other up-tight, front-end security obsessive store, then you are familiar with the brightly colored, various shaped stickers sporting the store's name or logo placed on your food items that are too large to put in a bag. Now, the reason we do this is either A. The cahsier has a severe case of O.C.D. or a sickening love for his or her job, or (the more likely reason) B. The entire front end staff is heckled to no extent about using them. For example, at my job, we have something called B.O.B.: Bottom Of Basket. It is a reminder to make sure everything is paid for, and nothing is left unnoticed at the bottom of the cart. The dots are like little signs that say: "GOT IT CAP'N, KEEP 'EM COMIN." This leads to my next issue...

3. Don't complain about being accused of stealing.

First of all, we never accuse anyone of stealing. We would probably get a write-up if we mentioned stealing to your face, even if you were, so get over yourself. Jewel has a mandatory thing where we are required to ask: "Is there anything at the bottom of your basket I can help you with today/tonight?" That is not code for "BITCH, I KNOW YOU BE STEALIN' SHIT SO YOU BEST UNLOAD THE FUCK OUT' YO CART." We are required to ask you this. We don't like it any more than you do; In fact, we also think it is stupid. However, most cashiers would rather deal with a bitchy customer, offended by the "accusation," than deal with a write-up from the company.

4. Be polite.

This is very broad, I know. But cashiers are not punching bags or stress balls, and we sure as hell aren't people to take your anger out on. You had a bad day? Cry about it, don't blame the world's problems on us. We know we aren't your best friend; we take your money, essentially; we ask you a lot of questions -- again, a job requirement. However, just because you have a problem with your life doesn't mean your response to "Are you interested in our extreme value buy this week?" should be something like "Leave me the FUCK alone." Don't chew our heads off over petty problems, please.

5. Don't blame the CASHIER on what is rightfully the COMPUTER'S fault.

No one is perfect, we all know this. However, this applies to our computers too. Now obviously technology is flawed and there is nothing we can do about that. But please, if the computer is running slow or having a problem scanning something, don't yell at the person behind it until his or her ears bleed. We have NO control over the computers' selective bipolar disorder; sorry.

6. When we ask if you would like your [bag of] potatoes in a bag, say no.

People are very picky when it comes to having their food bagged, and I can empathize here; I don't want me food smashed as much as the next guy. But, come on. Your potatoes are already in a bag, first of all. Second of all, there's not much you can put in a bag with potatoes; Hence putting your already-in-a-bag-potatoes in a bag wastes bags and time. Really, I know half the people that have them bagged wouldn't care. I ask "Would you like your potatoes in a bag?" and then the customer takes about two and a half minutes deciding. If it takes you that long to think about something so insignificant, it isn't worth it. You're just going to take them out of the bag when you get home anyways. If you come in with a strict potato-bagging mindset, then whatever, disregard this segment of the blog and move on.

7. Bring your cart foreword, please.

If you have a $700 dollar order and we see your cart is leaking food, then yes, we are likely to send for another cart while you unload yours: it's just plain convenient for everything. The bagger is happy, and the customer is happy because they get out of the store faster. However, if your order is big enough to cause some major belt-blockage, and you've managed to unload it all, please, bring your cart up to where the bagger can reach it. It pisses everyone off when the bags pile up while you just stand there, looking at the magazine rack, clinging to your empty cart as if it's worth a million. Would it kill your to bring it up when you finish unloading? I promise, we won't mind if you go back and finish looking at your hollywood horrors on the front cover of People Magazine. Just keep that in mind, please; unload, give your cart to the bagger, then resume your prior goings-on.

* Note: also, when bringing your cart up, pushing it just next to the bagger is perfect. Please don't bring it up and push it behind the poor bagger. It is an awkward angle to work from then, and it generally sandwiches them in. Thanks.

8. Unload your basket.

Now, a [hand] basket is a different thing than a cart. Carts hold a lot of things, and are made for large orders. Baskets, on the other hand, are small and used for quick shopping, usually. Nothing irritates me more than people who just set their baskets on the belt and walk over to the payment station area. This kills me. I mean, come on, how lazy are you? You can't take your food out of a fucking basket? I've been working all day already. You, on the other hand, have been shopping for the past two hours trying to decide what color snuggie to buy for your spoiled dog. I can see when not unloading it isn't really a big deal, like when you first get in line and there's no one in front of you; then you usually don't have a lot of time, and the cashier normally will do it for you automatically. But other times, it just makes you look straight-up rude and lazy. If there is a huge line in front of you, then yes, you have plenty of time to take your seven items out of the basket and place them on the belt. I remember a few weeks ago a woman came in with her son. They placed the basket on my belt, and when the son started to unload it, she literally smacked his hand and said "No! the cashier will do it." I'll just say right now, I bit my tongue so hard.

9. Express Lanes.

Let me tell you a little something about those lanes marked "15 Items or Fewer." They can be anywhere; not just register one. Honestly, you people need to learn how to READ or something. Don't unload your 89 items and then look at the sign and ask me if this is okay. No. That is not okay. You failed. The end. Moral of tip #9? Get an education.

10. Preferred Cards.

This is another issue that applies not to everyone. Most companies now have some sort of discount cards, and at Jewel, we call ours a Preferred Card. People tend to get so angry when we ask if they have their card with them, and I don't understand why. All it does is provide savings for you. We really only have it to keep track of our customers and what they buy, but keep that shh-shh. Anyways, people like to insult me upon the "do you have your card?" question. Then they complain about a myriad of other things. We generally won't start the order without the card because if you take it at the end, then all the savings are out of whack and deciphering prices is confusing. If you scan it first, then the savings come off right below the actual item, so you can do the math and see the price. Also, people get irate when they discover we don't accept phone numbers anymore -- we no longer have your number in our system, so we can't look up your preferred card. Sorry. Not our fault. People starting complaining because they were getting mail since someone else had given the store his or her number. Is mail all that bad? I guess so, because that aggrivated [and probaby former] customer ruined it for everyone. So again, I apalogize for the inconvenience.

11. "Are you open?"

Is my light on? If so, I'm open. If my light is off, I'm off: there really isn't that much to it. grow a brain. Now if a light is off and there is someone at the register, then ask "will you take my order?" If the cashier has time, he or she will likely say yes. But, by asking if a closed lane is open, all you are doing is making yourself look like an idiot.

Well, This is it for now. I'm sure I will have more to add to it some time, but I can't focus currently, so here is a list of things to get started on. Part 2 is coming soon, hopefully.